The thing we want most: Freedom
Freedom and autonomy are basic human needs and yet we see so many couples struggling to create proper space for them inside their intimacy. More freedom is an issue that nearly every person that we have coached wants or has wanted – in some way. Whether it’s freedom to live authentically, freedom to travel, freedom to spend money, freedom to flirt, or freedom to simply ask for what you want, this idea of navigating how to create space for each other's freedom poses many challenges to couples.
Part of the reason for this struggle is that when couples come together and become a “we,” all too often they lose sight of the “me” of each individual. It’s easy and common for this to happen. It’s essential to a certain extent to prioritize the needs of your partner and the relationship over your own. During this process however, it’s easy to become disconnected from your own needs for freedom and autonomy, in the name of "love," in service of compromise, and wanting to avoid conflict.
Freedom in relationships comes from two places. The first is the ability for each person to be able to tell the truth about what their needs for freedom are. This requires people to be truly honest with themselves and their partners, a challenge for many of us. We have all been brainwashed to a certain extent by this idea of the romantic ideal in our culture. That if you love somebody you will want to spend all or most of your time with them, only have eyes for them, and that your need for freedom and autonomy will naturally and organically melt away under the sunshine and rainbows of your partner’s loving gaze. As many of us have experienced, this is not actually how it works. In fact, maintaining a sense of personal freedom within the confines of a long term relationship is essential for the longevity and health of that relationship. This is all to say that we must start to relate to our needs for freedom, whatever they are, as beautiful and okay and not something to feel like we don’t have permission to desire or voice to our partners.
The second place that freedom comes from is having the safe space inside the relationship to tell the truth without getting “in trouble.” Many couples struggle with this idea of not having “permission” and their own ideas of what they think their partner can and can’t handle or will or won’t grant them permission to do or even say. Our partners become the scapegoat for why we can’t have our needs for freedom met. For many couples, this is a classic chicken/egg scenario. People believe that if their partner wasn’t so hard to tell the truth to, that they would be able to tell the truth more. Whether it's something as seemingly simple as needing to spend more time alone or with friends, or seemingly complicated as wanting the freedom to flirt with or relate with others, this recurring theme of “how will my partner react” is at the forefront of why so many people struggle with creating a space for freedom within their relationships. Unfortunately, because people don’t feel that they have permission to speak up, they resort to lying and manipulating to get what they need.
When we are working with couples on this issue, the first thing we will have them do is make a list of everything that they feel like they can’t say to each other and then coach them to communicate it all in a productive and safe manner. The alchemy of being able to share everything and get it all out on the table automatically creates the possibility for more freedom for both people. This is the yin and yang of this relationship dynamic. It’s the perfect dance between two people because it requires both people’s participation for it to work and if it’s not working, both people are to blame.
We’ve written about the importance of autonomy many times before, and in honor of this holiday weekend, we wanted to stress it again. Just because we come together as a couple doesn’t mean that we are not still our own autonomous beings with our own needs and desires that may or may not be in harmony with our partner every step of the way. Given that we are going to live significantly longer than our ancestors, if couples want to make it for the long haul, they have to come to terms with the necessity of creating a safe space for their partner to experience freedom in their own lives, as challenging as that may seem initially.
So if you or your partner are struggling with this area, start by getting really honest with yourself about what you feel you can’t say to your partner and ask yourself what you think it would take for you to verbalize it. What are all the reasons why you think you can’t say these things? Additionally, what, if anything, do you feel your partner couldn’t share with you? Start there.
