Thank You, Next.
Let’s talk about a common phenomenon that our single clients are dealing with. It’s something that we have aptly named “perfectionistic dating” and has become more pervasive than ever thanks to social media and now, over 1,500 different dating apps to choose from. “Perfectionistic dating” is basically a byproduct of technology that is intersecting with current, unrealistic expectations around love and intimacy. Let us explain.
Today, we expect and deserve a lot more from our intimate relationships than ever before. In this modern age of social media, dating apps and hyper self awareness, our expectations of love have never been higher while simultaneously, our perceived options have never been greater. Just a few generations ago, in order to meet a potential someone, you had to be out in the physical world. And when you did make some kind of connection with a stranger who caught your eye, all you knew of them was through their body language, energy or vibe, and the small amount of conversation you may have had in order to generate a first date. It took time, and yes, work and your options were generally limited to the immediate area that you lived and/or to your social circle. Both the limitations and the probability curve of how likely/unlikely you were to meet somebody else were massive factors in whether or not you were going to give somebody a fighting chance to see if there was potential for a relationship. Additionally, when things got tough, or the inevitable issues that arise in the early phases of dating surfaced, the impulse was not to say “thank you next” but to move and work through these issues.
Fast forward to today, thanks to technology and over 1,500 dating apps to choose from, saying “thank you, next” isn’t just an Ariana Grande song, but has become the unfortunate norm in the dating world as soon as somebody doesn’t fit the exact image, height, smell, value system, religious/political belief system, income level, “vibe,” (the list literally goes on and on) that somebody thinks they are looking for. The sheer amount of options is truly infinite, and more importantly, so is the fantasy or narrative that somebody can create in their own minds about how much better suited these infinite other options are than whoever may be sitting in front of them.
We are only a few generations removed from the belief that to successfully raise and support a family and stay together through thick and thin was considered by most to be the apex of what was possible for a marriage. Passionate love as a precursor for life long relationships is a relatively new idea and along with it has come wildly unrealistic expectations around love. Go down the rabbit hole of most modern dating advice on google and you’ll find that making a checklist and getting “really specific” about what you want ,“the more specific, the better” to be dating advice 101. Unfortunately, these checklists are part of the reason so many people are still single. The problem here is not so much in the checklist itself, but in the underlying narrative that has embedded itself in the collective subconscious of our culture, which is the belief that modern love and relationships are ultimately about “getting what you want.” Dating has now become about searching for a perfect avatar of an ideal mate while simultaneously being in the digital presence of an infinite amount of other profiles and possibilities to swipe on and fantasize about in comparison. As soon as somebody doesn’t measure up to the checklist, then it’s “thank you, next.”
This is perfectionistic dating in a nutshell and is wreaking havoc on singles because not only are they saying “thank you, next” far too soon, but more so, fundamentally misunderstanding what to look for in a long term partner.
Real love and intimacy that not only lasts, but that gets better over time is not about getting what you want. It’s about creating something that is better than the sum of its parts. This inherently means that you are not gonna get what you want a lot of the time. Because in order to be something that is better than the sum of its parts, you actually have to sacrifice a whole lot. And in order to become something that is great, you have to evolve and change and grow, which requires challenge, struggle and hopefully, ultimately triumph. Yes it’s important to make sure you are aligned on the core values that are most important to you. Shared interests are generally a misnomer and nowhere near as important as most people believe. An ideal relationship is one where both parties align themselves with the good of the whole, and by doing that, simultaneously help to augment the lives of each individual inside of that whole to grow and evolve emotionally, mentally and spiritually into being the best versions of themselves. How is it possible to know if this is even a possibility if people are saying “thank you, next” as soon as they discover something that doesn’t align with the checklist that lives in their head?
