In a Sexless Relationship?
Sexless or close to sexless relationships are currently on the rise. Whether it is because of feeling the need to be politically correct, 50/50 mentality in their relationship or couples who are just exhausted by the new normal of everybody trying to have it all; career, relationship, family, social life etc., it has become increasingly normal for people to relate to sex as something that is optional in their relationship. What’s also interesting is that the majority of these couples still expect monogamy from their partner, even if the sex has simultaneously fallen by the wayside. For whatever the underlying reasons are as to why the sex has gone away, and none being the sole scapegoat, let us just resoundingly say that sex is not something that is optional in a relationship. It’s mandatory 101.
You can’t expect fidelity if you don’t have sex with your partner. Period. At best you’ll get a cheater who finds it somewhere else and at worst you’ll get a suffering, resentful martyr who has reduced themselves to somebody that is “taking one for the team” in the name of love. Many might disagree and say the former is worse than the later but either way, everybody loses.
Sex is not optional, it is the foundation of your relationship that everything else is built on. If you’re a couple that practices monogamy, then sex is actually the only thing that separates you and your partner from everybody else in your respective lives. Sure, sex isn’t the only reason that you’re together (hopefully not at least,) but nobody else in your life are you sharing that kind of intimacy with. If that goes, you just become roommates, co-parents and maybe still friends.
Couples must deal with this reality and not fall prey to the current narratives of the time that might say otherwise. Dealing with this reality means dealing with sex directly, and all of the reasons why it’s lacking in your relationship. In our coaching practice we talk with our clients about 4 main categories that couples struggle with in this arena and what to do about them. If each person in the relationship deals with all 4 of these categories, then the sex will come naturally (no pun intended.)
The first category to take a look at is any part of your own personal life, not related to your partner and not related to sex that might be indirectly affecting your sex life. These are things like time management, stress management, your own energy levels, hormones etc. All of these things can indirectly affect somebody's sex drive. If you are too tired at the end of the day to be intimate with your partner, that’s an issue that needs to be dealt with directly. If your hormones are out of balance, or your stress levels are too high, all of this can affect your sex drive and desire for intimacy.
The second category to take a look at is any dysfunctional aspect of your relationship with your partner that is not sex specific, but is indirectly affecting your desire for each other. So things like unresolved issues with your partner from the past, old resentments, communication issues, emotional disconnection etc. Basically any relationship issue that is out of whack that is not sex specific, will still wreak havoc on your physical intimacy. Dealing with and resolving these issues with proper communication and/or the help of a professional can work wonders for your sex life and overall relationship.
The third category to take a look at is anything that has to do directly with sex and sexuality but that is not related to your partner. These are things like your own negative beliefs around sex and sexuality, or any unresolved sex specific issues from the past including bad past sexual experiences or sexual trauma. Also, things like body image issues or sexual health issues belong in this category as well.
The last category to take a look at is any sex specific issues you may have that are directly related to your partner. Maybe you don’t like how your partner smells, or how they do or don’t groom themselves. Maybe you have mediocre sex with them or think they are a lackluster lover. Maybe you just don’t like the way they do something in bed. Whatever the sex specific issue(s) are that are directly related to your partner belong in this last category and need to be properly communicated about and resolved.
Dealing with each of these 4 categories with proper communication and agreed upon structures to handle them moving forward will radically transform any couples sex life. However, in order to really heal this area of a relationship couples need to first and foremost both agree that sex is not something that can be related to as optional, but a mandatory part of their relationship that needs proper and consistent attention and intention.
