The line between a right to privacy and keeping secrets

Where is the line between a right to privacy and keeping secrets from your partner?

We love this question — it is such an important distinction to understand and not as nuanced as some might think. To answer this, let’s first talk about what a “secret” is in an intimate relationship. In our almost 20 years of being together, we both practice and teach that the foundation of any strong, long-lasting intimacy is total honesty and transparency. In other words, the ability to talk about anything. That doesn’t mean that you are constantly talking about everything all the time. It just means that you have the ability and open line of communication to have any conversation, no matter how triggering or challenging.

A “secret’’ then, (outside of surprise parties, surprise engagements or gifts) is a form of lying by omission. Lying by omission is the most ubiquitous form of lying in intimate relationships. Why do we omit things from our partner? There are two main reasons. One, we want to get what we want and, two, we don’t want to get in trouble. Let’s unpack both.

We want to get what we want

Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all human, and humans have agendas and can be self motivated. No matter how generous or kind we are, we all have degrees of acting this way in our relationships. The problem that we run into here is that when we are in a relationship with another, we regularly have to compromise and take another person’s needs into consideration. This can be a beautiful thing — and it can also be very challenging for us all at times! Lying is programmed into our fight-or-flight response; it’s part of our survival impulse. From something as benign as what TV show to watch or what restaurant to go to, to something as malignant as infidelity, we often opt for omitting our truth because we have a belief that this is the only way to get what we want. Or, even more so, the only way to get what we feel that we need.

We don’t want to get in trouble

This reason for omitting is intimately connected to getting what we want, but guised in sheep’s clothing. For example: “I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings” is perhaps the most common reason we hear in the “not wanting to get in trouble” category. This sounds sensitive and caring on the surface, but in reality it’s not. “My partner just wouldn’t understand” is another big one we hear a lot. These are all excuses that mask the underlying reason to not tell the truth: a belief that whatever the truth is, it has the potential to be too much — too hurtful — or too revealing of a truth for our partner to handle. In other words, if we told the truth, it could turn into a fight, or worst case, damage the relationship beyond repair.

This dynamic can apply to any situation: not liking your partner’s cooking; feeling that your partner has gained weight; having your feelings hurt or feeling jealous or possessive; even having a crush on somebody at work and wanting to — or already — sleeping with somebody else. The amount of things we’ve heard people feel they “just can’t say” to their partner is greater than any individual imagination. However, the havoc that lying by omission brings upon a relationship is even greater.

We have an equation that we teach our clients that goes like this: The amount of things that you are unwilling to say to your partner = the cap on the depth of your intimacy.

Another way of saying this is that there is a zero-sum relationship between your willingness to have any conversation with your partner, no matter how difficult and how deep your love, trust, connection and faith in each other can grow over time. Being completely open and transparent also is the only way to create real freedom in a relationship — which is ironically one of the main reasons people omit things from their partner: because they think it’s the only way to have the freedom they need! No matter how you slice it, a rock-solid relationship where both profound love and freedom can co-exist is only possible with profound honesty.

Now, with a deeper understanding of how we define “secrets,” let’s circle back to the original question: What is the difference between a right to privacy in an intimate relationship and keeping secrets from your partner?

The answer is very simple but not always easy to hear: If you feel you can’t tell your partner whatever it is that you are choosing to keep private, then you are keeping a secret from them.

What conversations have you been unwilling to have with your partner? Email us and let us know! In your email to us, we would also love to hear the reasons for why you have not had these conversations and then we can help coach you on how to have them beautifully if you choose to do so.