Fall in love with the truth — and what it does for your relationship

In our last column, we answered a reader’s question about the difference between keeping secrets from your partner in an intimate relationship versus having a right to privacy. This week we will discuss the ins and outs of how to navigate living “secret free” in your relationships.

In our almost 20 years of being together, we both practice and teach our clients that the foundation of any strong, long-lasting intimacy is total honesty and transparency. In other words, the ability to talk about anything. No matter how you slice it, a rock-solid relationship where both profound love and freedom can exist is only possible with profound honesty.

Here are our tips in how to do this successfully:

Stop being so precious with what

you think you can and cannot say

Take off the table the notion that there are things that can’t be talked about in your relationship.

Over our 15 years of experience coaching clients in love and intimacy, here are some of the most common things that people shy away from sharing with their partners: jealousy, insecurity, resentment, hurt feelings, desire for sex with others, crushes on others, needing more love, support, sex from their partner, sharing sexual fantasies, talking about childhood traumas, past relationships, addressing issues around finances, issues around family/in-laws, body issues … either with themselves or their partners’ bodies like their partner gaining weight, hiding things like flirting with others, sleeping with others, using porn, and using substances. These are not relationship-specific issues — these are human issues, and they are completely normal. Can we stop hiding them from our loved ones please?

God willing, life is long. And with advancements in science, health and technology, life is getting longer and longer. People’s needs change over time. Their beliefs and opinions (hopefully) evolve as they get older. Who somebody is when you start dating them is not going to be who they are forever. In order for relationships to get better over time, it has to be OK to speak about all of it.

We humans are fascinating creatures. We can be incredibly generous, loving, faithful and devoted — and we can also be profoundly selfish, narcissistic, needy and jealous. We have the privilege of feeling and experiencing a massively wide spectrum of conflicting emotions over the course of our lives, yet for some reason, we have gotten into the habit of thinking that we can only talk about the light side of this spectrum with our partners and that we must hide the dark. This is not what intimacy is about. This doesn’t mean that you should vomit all your feelings all over your partner at all moments of the day, but if something is there for you that needs to be expressed then honor your truth and speak up.

Make a mess and clean it up

Be OK with the consequences of speaking up. Yes, you will hurt your partner’s feelings sometimes. Yes, you will be misunderstood sometimes. Yes it will turn into a fight now and then, or sometimes regularly. That’s all OK. Hash it out — work through it until it’s resolved. Stop protecting your partner from their feelings getting hurt. Stop protecting yourself from looking bad.

Fall in love with the truth and what honoring it does for your relationship. Understand that no two people have the same needs and desires about everything. Strong relationships are about navigating conflicting needs and emotions and building a strong enough foundation to allow both ­partners’ autonomy to thrive inside the ecosystem of your union.

Be loving in your communication

When there is something challenging or scary to talk about, set yourself and your partner up for success. Let them know that you need to speak with them about something important. Let them know how you are feeling about sharing whatever it is: scared, embarrassed, angry, ashamed, etc. Never blame them for how you feel and instead take ownership of your experience. For example, let’s say your partner hurt your feelings. Instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings,” say, “I feel hurt by what you said.” Or try something like, “My experience of how xyz went down felt bad to me.” Tell the whole truth.

Additionally — and this part is really important — make sure you take responsibility for your part in whatever it is you are addressing. Any dynamic in relationships requires two contributors. In your communication, make sure to find and take ownership of yours. Be open to your partner’s perspective. Listen and apologize where you can. Talk through it until it’s resolved for both of you. Practice this regularly. Be willing to fail at it and be bad at it at first, and eventually you will master the art of living “secret free.”

What conversations have you been afraid to have with your partner? Why do you feel like these conversations can’t be addressed? What are you afraid will happen? Email us and let us know and we can help you move forward with having them!