Part 2: How do I know if my partner has a substance abuse problem or if I just have a problem with them using substances?
This week we will tackle Part 2 of a conversation we started last week, answering this question from a reader on the difference between real substance abuse issues, versus just not liking how your partner gets or who they become when they use substances.
To review, last week we started off answering this question by first identifying where the line of demarcation lies between these two issues. We enlisted the help of our friend Ayssa Rocco, coach and expert in the area of addiction and recovery to help us articulate where this line is. Alyssa referred us to Tommy Rosin’s definition of addiction which is “any behavior, substance, idea, that we cannot stop, despite the negative consequences.” This is the line of demarcation: The lack of ability to stop, no matter what the consequences are. To take it further, Alyssa explained how AA divides people who use substances into 3 categories: The Moderate User, The Heavy User, and The Real Addict. We encourage you to read last week's installment of “Modern Love” (available online) for a more in depth description of these three types and how to identify if your partner has a true substance abuse issue.
For those of us who lie somewhere in the gray area between moderate and heavy usage, how substances affect us and/or our partners actions and personalities is something that needs to be thoroughly considered and discussed, especially in long term relationships. It’s true that substances can bring out ugly, embarrassing, reckless or downright dangerous sides of us, but where this becomes a “dealbreaker” versus an issue that needs to be brought to light, discussed and changed over time resides in that nebulous area that depends just as much on your own relationship with substances as it does your partners. First ask yourself: what is your own relationship with substances like? If you and your partner are both “heavy users” and like to get wasted or stoned out of your mind every weekend, and you just don’t like who they become in these situations, that is a very different situation than if your partner is a heavy user and you aren’t. Additionally, the frequency of these infractions matters as well. If once in a blue moon your partner overserves themselves and acts poorly, addressing this issue looks and sounds very different than if it’s a more regular occurrence.
The best course of action here is to have an honest conversation with your partner about this entire area when you are both sober. Set up the conversation not as an affront on them, but more as a high level discussion about substances in general and an opportunity to understand your partner better first and foremost. Get curious: Ask them why they use it, what purpose it serves? Is it a social lubricant for them? Is it their method of unwinding after a stressful day? How does using it make them feel, during and after? If you experience changes in their personality when they use it, are they aware of how it changes their personality? If they use it frequently, ask them if they are happy with the amount that they use it, and if not, what their ideal relationship to it would be? Really listen to them (that is the hardest part of the conversation). This part is where our clients need the most support, and is a common place to trip up. Bring as little judgment to the conversation as possible. Share with them how, in your experience, it changes them in a negative way as well as what your ideal would be for them in this area without threatening to “take it away from them.” We can all get very defensive about this area if we feel that our partner is “threatening” us with taking away something that for good, bad, or even worse is providing something for us in our life.
A few other things to consider…
If your partner acts poorly on certain substances, or after ingesting a certain amount of certain substances, chances are they don’t want to act that way. Very few people actually want to embarrass themselves, talk too much, act recklessly or put themselves or people they love in harm's way. Chances are, like most of us, they struggle to moderate themselves like we all do with certain things. Think about how hard it is to say no to that extra bite of dessert, that extra hour of TV before bed, that extra “whatever your poison(s) is or are'' and recognize that they too, are human.
If your partner is a moderate or heavy user but has the ability to change their behavior, you have the right to ask them to do so. It’s important however to know what, specifically you are asking them to change. The more specific the better. You need to have an idea of what your ideal solution to this would be and make that request, and negotiate. This can be in the form of asking for them to do it “x” amount of times less per week, or limit themselves to “x” amount whenever they use it. It could be in the form of needing them to listen and trust you when you want to cut them off and feel like they have gone over the line. There are a lot of different ways you can design this sort of thing, but if you are asking for a change, you need to have an idea of how you want them to change. It’s not realistic to just ask them to not act how they act when they use these things, or even worse to just “do it less” which is not specific or measurable. Additionally, as much as they need to be game and willing to change, you must also bring the compassion and understanding we described in the above paragraph to the table because change takes time and never happens in a straight line.
Like we said last week, if your partner is unwilling to change their behavior, that is a red flag for your relationship. If you are being overly judgmental of them and stringent, then that is clearly a mismatch of values, and if they are being stubborn and unwilling to see themselves and change accordingly, that is also not somebody you should be with long term.
Ultimately, a great partnership is one that supports both members to grow and evolve. It is okay to want your partner to change things about themselves and it’s okay for them to need you to change things about yourself as well. It’s up to each individual to figure out for themselves how big of a deal these behaviors are in their relationships and address them honestly, patiently and with a strong plan to shift one’s behavior.
