The Alchemy of Fighting
Dear Maxwells, my partner and I have been fighting a lot more recently. We’ve been together for about a year and a lot of things have been bubbling to the surface lately. I can’t tell if this is healthy or not. I never saw my parents fight when I was a kid, and a lot of my friends say conflicting things about fighting. Some of my friends seem to fight with their partners all the time, (not something I would want in my own relationship btw,) and others say they hardly ever fight with their partner and that that is a good marker of a healthy relationship. What is your stance on this and how do we know if we are fighting “too much?”
Dear Reader, thanks so much for your question and for reaching out. We like to think of fights in relationships like vitamins; take the right amount and they can serve your health and wellness in both the short and long term, but take too much and they can knock your entire system out of balance, or worse, end you up in a hospital bed.
In the arena of love, there can be a lot of alchemy in fighting so long as a few core principles are adhered to. These are principles that we practice in both our own marriage as well as principles we teach our clients. Without these principles, fights can and do dissolve into destructive nightmares which can erode the foundation of even the best relationships.
Principle #1: All fights need to get resolved. This might sound like a no-brainer but in our experience coaching couples, most fights are actually about the same unresolved issue(s) over and over again, projected onto the screen of whatever circumstances are happening in the moment that trigger the underlying issue(s), not about circumstances themselves. In order for fights to be productive, couples need to realize fights are really opportunities for each member of the relationship to take a look at an underlying dynamic that has not been working and come to a resolution. Dynamics are nothing more than habitual ways of relating to each other that don’t work for either party. For example, something as simple and cliche as one person continually leaving their clothes on the floor and the other person feeling like they need to pick up after them constantly. This is not so much about the clothes on the floor as it is an underlying misalignment around cleanliness, organization and time-management. In order for this to come to a resolution where both parties feel heard, both parties must step into the other person's world, own up to their part in the dynamic and put into plan some structures that help prevent this from continuing to be an issue. This usually requires compromise, but most certainly requires humility to really get the other person's experience and care about it as much, if not more than their own.
Principle #2: You can never resolve a fight when you are angry. We are all human and have blind spots where we can’t see ourselves clearly, especially when we are triggered, angry, hurt, jealous, resentful or any of the other emotions that fall into the fighting goodie bag. Yes, fights are usually caused by systemic unresolved issues from the past, but we get triggered in the present. Trying to find any sort of resolution when you are triggered is like driving blackout drunk. (Sidenote, avoid fighting drunk as well!) When we are triggered is usually when fights dissolve into us being cruel with one another and potentially saying things we don’t mean but can have a very hard time taking back. When fights escalate, use the tool of a “Time Out.” Whoever is the least triggered in a fight calls “Time Out” as soon the fight starts to escalate to an unproductive place. The “Time Out” lasts until both parties are de-escalated and ready to do their best to come to a resolution.
Principle #3: Be in a race to point your finger at yourself first. Another way of saying this is to care more about a resolution than being “right.” All fights are caused by two people who are co-creating a dynamic with each other. There really is no “right” and “wrong” in that equation. So both members of the relationship need to be in a race with one another to take a look at themselves, what they can own up to, apologize and take responsibility for, and how they can hear and get the other person’s perspective. Fighting then becomes productive and results in the relationship getting stronger over time. Figuring out your accountability in the dynamic can be tricky at times though, and if you're stuck, we recommend working with a trusted professional to help you.
Principle #4: Want to forgive your partner. Far too often we are quick to anger, and slow to forgive. Successful long term relationships require the opposite. If we become quick to let go of our need to be right, if we become quick to assume the best in our partners and quick to forgive them, then we discover the true alchemy of fighting.
Feeling stuck with any of these principles? Write us your questions, we are here to help!
