I love you … but that’s gross
Dear Maxwells: This might sound silly, but my partner has back hair, and it’s a huge turnoff to me. I’ve addressed it with him before, but I’ve gotten two different responses: He either says he will do something about it, but doesn't, or he says it’s my issue, and I should stop being so "superficial.” My problem is that I love him, but it actually turns me off. Am I just supposed to live with it? Am I being superficial?
Dear reader: Your timing of this question couldn’t be better because we have received similar questions in the past two weeks from our clients. One was about their partner having bad breath and not brushing his teeth enough. One was about how their partner doesn’t smell good and doesn't shower frequently. The last was about their partner's nose-hair. Over our years of coaching, we have heard many similar complaints from clients about a partner’s hygiene, grooming or lack thereof, pubic hair, clothing, teeth color/alignment, etc. Yes, the list really does go on and on — and no, we personally don’t think any of this is superficial, and honestly, we wouldn’t care if it was. Let us explain.
It’s amazing to us that most people in modern relationships expect monogamy from their partners, yet scoff at doing the things that would help make their partner more attracted to them, or at best, less grossed out by them. We’re with our partners for many reasons. Many of them are much deeper than surface- level things like those mentioned above. But for the vast majority of us, surface level things also are important. The way somebody looks, how they dress, their body language, their “energy” or “vibe,” all of it — like waves in the ocean — captures our initial desire and always precedes us diving deeper into what lies beneath.
Case in point: In the age of dating apps, nobody is reading the profile first. They are initially lured by the photos, then maybe, they’ll glance at the profile. But the picture itself is usually enough for a swipe in the right direction.
We say all of this to articulate a belief that we live by in our own marriage, and that we also teach our clients: Part of your job in a relationship is to make, and keep, your partner attracted to you — just like it’s your job to treat your partner with respect, raise your children and pay your rent or mortgage. It’s also your job to care deeply about your partner's experience of you in the physical world, i.e., how you look, smell, dress and groom yourself. So yes, we feel it is perfectly OK for you to ask your partner to shave his back hair, and address any other physical bugaboo that you have about him.
Now, your partner can always say “no.” You can’t force them to change something about themselves. What you can do however, is communicate the impact that their “no” has on you, and if need be, renegotiate your sexual contracts and expectations with them as a result. This might sound extreme, and in the case of back hair, it is extreme, but the point is to be in alignment with each other around the shared goal of prioritizing your attraction to each other as a couple over your autonomy as individuals.
Exploring this idea further, the autonomy of the individual is usually the culprit when someone refuses to make a change at the behest of a partner. In other words, “my body, my choice.” This is ultimately true. However, what’s so interesting to us about this notion is that monogamous couples really do demand and expect monogamy from their partners, and part of monogamy is, in its essence, a relinquishing of one’s own bodily autonomy. In other words, inside a monogamous contract, there is a list of things that aren’t “permissible” for either of you to do with your own bodies — even if you really want to!
You are, hopefully, both making a conscious choice to enter into this monogamous contract, but as part of the deal, shouldn’t each one of you do everything possible to make it fair? In refusing to shave his back hair, despite it being a turnoff for you, your partner is unconsciously communicating that it’s OK for you to limit your sexual expression to one person, relinquishing part of your physical autonomy, but it’s simultaneously OK for him to hold onto his. The black-and-white nature of this concept gets a whole lot grayer. Now, you and your partner have become the “only restaurant in town” for each other, so to speak. If your partner is expecting you to continue eating at his proverbial restaurant, is it really fair of him to serve you food that has back hair all over it? We think not!
