3 Core Values for Long Term Relationship Success
Dear Maxwells: I'm single. And I’ve read that it’s helpful to write down all the things that you want in a partner, to help attract your ideal partner into your life. My experience is that I’ve had a few long term relationships where my ex-partners “checked” a lot, or even most, of the boxes on my list, but the relationships still didn’t last. Am I missing something? Are there qualities that are most important for a healthy long term relationship?
Dear Reader,
Great question and a super important one at that. In our experience, most people who follow this advice of writing down their ideal qualities or desires in a partner, and end up missing a few lynchpin items that can make or break whether a relationship lasts. We are very focused in our culture on things like how our person looks, how much money they make, and whether or not we share similar interests with them. Our belief is that looks and shared interests are obviously important, but shared core values are far more important, and there are a few core values that we feel need to take precedence over all the rest in order for a relationship to last. Let's look at 3 core values that every thriving, healthy and happy relationship needs for long term success.
The first is a shared value around personal evolution. We’ve all come across people in our lives who are the “I am who I am, don’t try to change me” type. This attitude is cancer for intimate relationships. Having a shared value around personal evolution means that both members of the relationship are committed to their own personal growth as well as to the growth of the relationship over time. They are both willing to take a look at themselves regularly and ask themselves, how can I improve here? What can I do to be a better partner, mother/father, community member, friend, and human being on every level? What can I own up to in my relationship that sucks about me, or that I need to change or evolve in order to be a better version of myself? These kinds of people are quick to apologize and make changes, as well as quick to forgive others for their humanity or their mistakes. This value is in line with nature itself as everything around us is constantly evolving and changing and once our ego steps in and says “I am who I am, if you love me, you’ll deal with it” we prevent our relationship from doing the same. Healthy long term relationships are living breathing things ust like any part of nature. Needs, beliefs, desires, all of these things need breathing room to grow and change and without a shared value around personal evolution, the relationship will stagnate or break under the pressure of inflexibility.
The second value is around transparency and communication. It is our core belief and one that we teach all our clients, that healthy relationships require total transparency and honesty in communication. In other words, no secrets or withholding. Any conversation is allowed to be put on the table. Perhaps the most common problem we have seen over our years of coaching couples has been breakdowns in communication. A feeling on the part of both parties that there are certain things that they just can’t talk about with their partner. Lying, either outright or by omission becomes the norm in these cases and a breakdown of trust and a build up of resentments inevitably ensues. This doesn't mean that we don’t have a right to privacy in a relationship, but privacy and secrets are not the same thing. A shared value around total honesty and transparency and a willingness to have any conversation no matter how challenging it may be is a key foundational value that every successful long term modern relationship needs.
The third shared value is around sex. We’ve written before about the importance of sex in relationships, and about how sex needs to be related to as a mandatory part of an intimate relationship. All that being said, everybody’s sexual needs and desires are different, so what’s most important here is that you and your partner share the same values or belief system around sex. If one of you feels that sex is very important to you, and the other doesn’t, no amount of similar interests will save that misalignment of value. You need to be with somebody who has a similar belief system around sex as you do. Mismatched sex drives and libido’s are common in relationships but a mismatched belief system around sex and sexuality spells trouble and likely infidelity in the long run.
These are the 3 foundational values that need to be in place first and foremost for a relationship to thrive in the long term (not the only things, but certainly 3 important ones). Aligning with your partner on these values can be tricky though. If you're dating, or in a relationship, and trying to figure out if you two share similar values, but feel stuck, we recommend that you seek the guidance of a trusted professional. Because, sometimes our values aren't always apparent until we do the digging. We hope that helps!
