Palm Trees in Colorado?
We all know that palm trees don’t organically grow in the state of Colorado. At least not on their own in the wild. But that doesn’t mean that somebody in the state of Colorado couldn’t build a greenhouse and artificially create an environment where palm trees could flourish. The same holds true for erotic desire and monogamous long term relationships. Erotic desire cannot grow organically inside of the confines of long term monogamous relationships, so couples who choose to live inside of the construct of monogamy must learn to artificially create an environment where erotic desire can flourish.
Without exaggerating, nearly every single monogamous couple that we have ever worked with in our coaching practice has fallen victim to the narrative that love alone will somehow sustain erotic desire over time. When in fact, like the dry climate of the High Rockies is for palm trees, the social construct of monogamy is antithetical to creating erotic desire. Every one of these couples ends up in a similar situation; they still love each other, but that natural momentum for physical intimacy that was so present in the beginning of the relationship is gone. Sex, though still enjoyable, feels like a chore and no amount of “working on it” seems to help. This is mostly because couples are working on it in the wrong ways.
While there are many other ways to structure boundaries and sexuality inside an intimate relationship, monogamy is still the most common construct de jour for the vast majority of modern couples. We want to help all our monogamous readers understand how to epically win at monogamy and pivot away from the idea that love will somehow bring back that organic erotic spark that was there during the honeymoon phase. This requires couples to have a basic understanding of the erotic mind, and through that understanding, couples can begin to work with their respective erotic minds in ways that are unique and beneficial to each person.
In Jack Morin’s Book “The Erotic Mind,” Morin outlines four cornerstones of erotic desire: longing and anticipation, breaking taboos, searching for power and overcoming ambivalence. These four cornerstones, if worked with properly, can infuse any lackluster intimacy with rocket fuel. Let’s explore each cornerstone on a high level and then talk about how to put it all into practice.
Longing and anticipation is exactly how it sounds. The erotic mind thrives in the mystery of the unknown. In the early phases of an intimate relationship, mystery reigns supreme. You simply don’t know your beloved well enough to be able to accurately predict their behavior. Add that mystery to the distance that is inherent in not living together and you have a situation that naturally generates the longing to see each other again and the anticipation for that future encounter. In the space between, the mind has plenty of time to fantasize and daydream about what will happen. However, the longer you are with each other, that natural longing and anticipation gets replaced by safety, security and predictability.
Breaking of taboos is all about exploring and working with transgression and the thrill of the forbidden. It’s working with the potency of our shadow selves being alchemized into pleasure. The thrill of being “bad,” of pushing past the edge of societal norms can all be tremendously powerful erotic accelerators. This space is also the space of working with shame, guilt, jealousy, anger and any other emotions that live in the shadows of our subconscious.
Searching for power is about playing with the natural imbalances of power that we as a culture strive to erase. The truth is that it’s very difficult to have great sex without some exchange of power. Surrender and domination, a leader and a follower, a “dom” and a “sub.” In our everyday lives we all in some way shape or form struggle with power imbalances. Most of us desire more power in some way, and those of us who have it, strain to hold onto it for dear life. Every one of us has experienced some form of feeling powerless in our lives whether during childhood or in our adult lives with an overbearing boss, spouse or parent. Searching for power is the erotic mind's way of alchemizing this struggle, turning that pain into pleasure.
Lastly, overcoming ambivalence is for those who find pleasure in striving to obtain the seemingly unattainable. The rush of arousal that occurs for many when they have won over somebody who at first, presented themselves as unavailable or uninterested. For many, there is a huge erotic pull towards unavailable partners and the thrill of the chase.
There are an infinite amount of ways to work with these cornerstones, but the first way couples should begin to work with them is to start to have open and honest conversations about them. Asking each other what inspires the feelings of longing and anticipation within each other and creatively finding ways to put them into practice. Maybe it’s as simple as texting or sexting each other throughout the day even though you live together and have been a couple for 10 years. Speaking openly and vulnerably about what, if any taboos or fantasies feel particularly potent to each of you. Discussing some ways that you could both consensually play with power dynamics within the safety of your intimacy or work with overcoming ambivalence. The possibilities are endless but the most important part is that you are consciously using a greater understanding of your erotic minds to generate desire inside a construct that is antithetical to it. And in this way, anybody can grow palm trees in Colorado.
