A few rules of engagement
This week we wanted to offer some super simple but profound structures that, if implemented, can massively and quickly improve anybody’s intimate relationship. We live by these rules in our own, more-than 15-year relationship and have seen tremendous benefits to our clients who practice these as well.
Rule No. 1: Have a regular date night once per week
We’ve all heard this before from countless relationship therapists, books, coaches and more, but why is this practice so powerful? To answer this question, let's think first about the beginning of a new and exciting relationship, otherwise known as the “honeymoon” period. In this period, all the key elements that create erotic desire and passion are naturally occurring. These elements are, in no particular order: mystery, novelty, adventure, distance and risk.
When two people first start dating, nobody's story has been told yet — mystery. There is flirtation and the thrill of not knowing what is going to happen next — adventure. There is intention behind all elements of the interaction: the lipstick and shoes, the eye contact, the ironed shirt and witty banter, the perfume and body language — novelty. Both people spend a lot of time in places outside their home and normal, day-to-day lives: each other's apartments, new restaurants, places to explore on dates, etc. — novelty. People aren’t living together yet and generally spend many nights away from each other early on — distance. Additionally, opening oneself up to somebody new is inherently a risk, because you never know what could happen. You could get your heart broken or fall madly in love. Who knows? (Risk, novelty, adventure, mystery!)
Ironically, the more intimacy increases in a relationship, the more these elements decrease. This is why so many couples struggle over time to keep passion and erotic desire alive and well. But the good news is that these elements are not lost, they just need to be consciously created and nurtured.The automatic momentum that had you trim your nose hairs, put on your favorite underwear and “bring it” for your partner in the beginning of the relationship needs to be manually generated by both parties the longer the relationship goes on. This is why the practice of a weekly date night is so powerful — it forces you to bring mystery, novelty, adventure, distance and riskback into your intimacy. Some tips for a great date night are:
Dress up. In other words, “bring it!”
Talk about something you haven’t talked about before.
Do something that feels risky (maybe a quickie in the bathroom?).
Understand that nobody’s story has been fully told and there are always more things you can learn about your partner — bring that energy and curiosity to the date.
Turn off your phone (unless you have kids and need to be able to be reached).
Flirt. Touch. Look into each other's eyes.
Make it a sacred time for you to reconnect as a couple.
Do something different, whatever that means.
Rule No. 2: Three-time grumbles = Conversation time
We have a rule in our marriage that if one of us grumbles about something three times, we have to have a conversation about it. This can be about literally anything: annoyed that the dishes haven’t been done, somebody’s feelings getting hurt, someone feeling impatient, jealous, anxious, etc. If you think it once and can let it go, fine. If you think it twice but can still let it go, that’s OK, too. But If you think it three times, you need to have a conversation about it. No exceptions.
This rule prevents couples from developing lists of unresolved issues with each other. These lists usually come out sideways when couples get into fights. All of a sudden, couples aren’t just fighting about whatever they are fighting about, but about their entire list of grievances and grumbles that they have stockpiled away for a moment when they are angry or hurt enough to air them.
The three-grumble rule saves couples from having any sort of list. Arguments are then dealt with on a case-by-case basis about the topic at hand. No more unresolved issues festering for days, weeks or months. If you grumble about it three times, speak up!
Rule No. 3: Have sex!
If you have been reading our column the past few months, you know how much importance we put on this area — however, a mistake that many couples make is witholding sex from each other in moments of disconnection. The thought process is that “we need to be connected” in order to have sex. So if there are disconnecting things that are occurring in the relationship, sex can be the first thing to go. What we teach is that many times, the opposite is the case: Many times, just having sex can make things feel so much better in your relationship. It can restore connection, forgiveness, love and attraction. Kind of like going to the gym. Rarely does somebody say, “Man, I feel so much worse after exercising.” If you are disconnected, don’t wait to have sex. Have sex first and then see what is still in the way of your connection — not always, but sometimes, sex handles everything.
Rule No. 4: Solitude
Just like date nights are a must, so are nights when you spend time away from each other. Harkening back to the idea of the beginning of a relationship, many nights during the honeymoon phase were spent away from each other. This is massively important in long-term relationships as well — we need distance and space in our intimacy. Just like charging a battery, taking space will allow you both to come back recharged and more present with each other. We suggest one night a week where each member of the relationship can have a few hours of solitude.
