Part 1: How do I know if my partner has a substance abuse problem or if I just have a problem with them using substances?

This is a very important and nuanced subject to be discussing as the vast majority of us are engaging with substances on at least some level in our lives.  When we are in a relationship with someone or dating, our relationship with substances also becomes our partner's relationship with us…on those substances! 

Substances can and do change our personalities…especially in large quantities.  We’ve all been around an angry or flirtatious drunk before, or had to figure out how to get away from the dude with dilated pupils at a party who just won’t stop talking.  Most of us at some point have experienced the horrible feeling of being around somebody that we were dating or in a relationship with having been served one too many and watched in horror as they said or did something embarrassing or boundary pushing.  (Back in college, one of us was dating somebody who after a few drinks, thought it would be a great idea to jump on stage at a concert and try to start dancing with the band!  So we know that feeling all too well.)  How, though, do we know the difference between when our partner has a real addiction problem versus just not liking who they become when they use certain substances, or too much of certain substances?

To answer this question we elicited the help of our dear friend Alyssa Rocco who is also a coach herself and a recovery and addiction expert.  Alyssa is sober and her experience with her own recovery as well as helping coach her clients in recovery helped shed some light on where this line of demarcation with addiction lies.  Because this is such an important topic, especially in this valley, we will divide our answers into two parts: This week we will talk about where we and Alyssa believe this line of demarcation is and how to identify it, and next week we will talk about how to handle dealing with these issues within your relationship(s.)  

Alyssa referred us to Tommy Rosin’s definition of addiction which is “any behavior, substance, idea, that we cannot stop, despite the negative consequences.”   To take it further, Alyssa explained how AA divides people who use substances into 3 categories which we will summarize in our own words: 

The Moderate User: This moderate user can take it or leave it.  They are the kind of person who can leave a half finished glass of wine on the table, or take one puff of a joint every now and then.  They are not motivated by substances and can responsibility enjoy them from time to time.  

The Heavy User:  The heavy user is somebody who uses substances on a regular basis, and in large amounts.  Despite their heavy usage of substances though, the heavy user can still stop if the consequences are great enough.  Think a job that drug tests, or life event that requires a shift in behavior.  

The Real Addict:  The real addict cannot stop, no matter how hard they try.  They would stop if they could, but they can't.  This is the line of demarcation: The lack of ability to stop, no matter what the consequences are.  A real addict in fact, will do anything to not stop.  Stopping can even feel like a matter of "life or death" for them.  

So what do we make of all this information? As a general rule, if you have a problem with your partner’s behavior and they are unwilling to address it and make changes, then that is probably not a relationship you should stay in.  Additionally,  it is a red flag pointing to potentially deeper compulsive issues.  If somebody you are with can’t stop their compulsive behavior, no matter the consequences (such as their relationships being in jeopardy) then you are dealing with real addiction and as Alyssa explains, real addicts need real support.  Does this mean that addicts can never stop the behaviors they are compulsive about?  Of course not.  The successful recoveries of millions upon millions of people all over the world say otherwise.  But the help of programs like AA and other recovery methods in order to successfully change compulsive behavior are paramount. 

For those of us who lie somewhere in the gray area between moderate and heavy usage, how substances affect us and/or our partners actions and personalities is something that needs to be thoroughly considered and discussed, especially in long term relationships.  How to spot and address these issues is what next week’s article will be about.  Stay tuned…