My Partner Cheated On Me, Now What?

Dear Maxwells: I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years now and I just found out that they had a year long affair a few years ago and have been keeping it from me all these years. I’m devastated. I thought we were happy. I thought we were this perfect couple and all our single friends would tell us how they wanted to have a relationship like ours someday. I literally feel like my entire reality is crashing down around me and don’t even know what’s real or true anymore. How can I ever trust them or myself again? I feel completely broken and betrayed. Now what? 

Dear Reader, we are so sorry for your grief. There are no words that we can say that will truly capture or honor the loss that you are feeling or the feeling of shock that you are experiencing right now. As you described, it makes total sense that your world feels as if it is crashing down around you. This reality that you thought you lived in all these years with your partner now has an irrevocable stain on it, and the confusion and heartache that ensues as a result of that is truly devastating. And while there are no words that we can write here that will make you feel better about this situation in this exact moment, what we can do is to try and offer some perspective that can help you start to piece yourself together again in the long term, and ultimately make you a far stronger person and partner in the future. 

The first thing we want to say is that you are not alone. We’ve said this innumerable times in this column over the past two years but the current infidelity rate in the western world is now estimated at around 75%. Yes, 75% or more of modern couples will or already have experienced some form of infidelity in their relationship. This doesn’t fix or change the fact that you are grieving but it does certainly indicate that you are not alone in your situation and that infidelity has become the norm, not the exception to the norm. What this statistic also means is that there are some fundamental issues that couples are almost universally dealing with that need to be addressed in order for this statistic to go down. 

As you described in your note to us, this idea of being the “perfect couple” has come crashing down around you. This betrayal has popped a hole in that proverbial balloon and after the initial shock of this discovery has passed, the blessing of that balloon being popped sooner rather than later will become more evident. And that blessing is actually the discovery that the fantasies we have been brainwashed into believing are exactly that; fantasies. In reality, there is no such thing as a perfect couple or relationship. In reality, true love alone does not protect any of us from infidelity, nor does monogamy. In reality, infidelity is far more common than relationships where people stay steadfast and faithful to each other. And in reality, if we are going to thrive in love and intimacy moving forward, we have to deal with these fundamental truths. 

Now, how exactly is all of this a blessing? Because in dealing with these fundamental truths, we can actually navigate the realities of living and loving in the modern world. We can address head on the inevitable roadblocks, pitfalls, and challenges that living and loving entails and we can do so with our eyes wide open versus remaining blind and thus blind sighted by reality. 

This is the beginning of our answer to your question of “now what?” Once the initial shock has started to pass, it becomes an opportunity for you and your partner to take a good and honest look at your relationship. The truth is that your old relationship is over, and you can either decide to forge ahead in a new, stronger relationship with them, or not. But before any decision like that can be made, this is an opportunity for you and your partner to address the truth together. What were the underlying and systemic issues in the relationship that co-created an environment for this betrayal? What were all the reasons why your partner felt he needed to lie to you? What were the disconnects in relation to the truth versus the story that you had in your head about being this perfect couple? What, if any of this had to do with the relationship itself versus your partner's own issues? 

So long as you both can navigate these conversations honestly and transparently, with nothing left unsaid and no lies left on the table, there is a tremendous possibility that you two will emerge stronger, more connected and more equipped to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of living and loving each other in this life.