More on monogamy, non-monogamy and infidelity

We have spent the last two weeks discussing the common pitfalls of traditional monogamy and their impact on modern relationships. To quickly recap, we spoke at length about how the default, one-size-fits-all approach that monogamy presents to relationships doesn’t account for the vast variety of sexual or emotional needs and desires that so many of us have in our lives — nor does it account for the ever-changing landscape of how relationships actually unfold vs how the romantic ideal that we are taught to buy into says they do.

So where does this leave us? For all our readers who have been asking us this question, the next two weeks, we will focus on some solutions to these issues. This week we will focus on alternatives to monogamy, and next week we will talk about how to have successful monogamous relationships for all those who are more oriented towards it.

Let us start by saying that modern-day alternatives to monogamy are vast. Therefore, if you are a couple who is seeking to explore alternatives to monogamy, the best place to start is for you and your partner to define what monogamy is to both of you. Is it as simple as just not having relations with others? What about flirting with others — would flirting with others be considered not-monogamous? What about having emotional, non-sexual relationships with others? This list goes on, but let us stress: There are no right or wrong answers here. There is only how you or you and your partner choose to define monogamy.

And that’s part of the point we are trying to make here. While the narrative of the romantic ideal in our culture says monogamy is this very-clearly defined thing, when you begin to unpack it, it’s actually not clearly defined at all. Once you and your partner have a clear definition of what these boundaries are, then you can start to articulate what stepping outside of them would look like, and more importantly, why either of you desires to step outside of them in the first place.

The “why” is ever more important than the “what” in this arena. The “why” is actually what will create the freedom that is desired to experience the “what” because it is the access point to understanding each other, versus the trigger point to jealousy, lack of safety and fear — all normal emotions that many people feel when they first start to open things up in a relationship. Understanding the “why” that you or your partner need to open things up will help you both healthily navigate these emotions. For example, the most common form of non-monogamy is infidelity. The majority of people who cheat on their partners, do it not because they don’t love their partner, but because they are trying to reconnect with a part of themselves that has been lost over the years of being in a committed relationship. Because they feel they have no other alternative to rediscovering these dormant parts of themselves, they turn to cheating. Imagine, though, if they were able to articulate what they were trying to rediscover within themselves to their partner (the “why”) — and if their partner understood that this desire actually had nothing to do with them or their relationship, and as a result of that understanding were able to design a way for their partner to get their needs met without having to do it in secrecy (the “what”).

Lastly, while we live in a society that is continuously working toward the goal of egalitarianism, egalitarianism is not the best way to think about consensual non-monogamy. The best way to design consensual non-monogamy is around the unique desires and needs of each individual in the relationship, and those needs and desires are usually never the same or equal.

So to begin to explore the world of consensual non-monogamy, answer the following questions:

What does each person in a relationship need in terms of things that are outside the bounds of your mutually agreed-upon definition of monogamy? Why does each person need those things? What emotions or triggers does it bring up in either member of the relationship to begin to explore meeting those needs? What would take care of those emotions and triggers? What are some baby steps to take to move this whole area of your relationship forward, taking into consideration moving very slowly and consciously to ensure each person feels safe?

Begin there.