Exploring the gray areas in relationships
Last week, we began a four-part series discussing the complexities of monogamy, non-monogamy and infidelity. We outlined some key reasons why the social construct of monogamy has failed many intimate relationships and has been a contributing factor in high infidelity and divorce rates in the West (check out that column here if you missed it!). Today, we are going to talk about some solutions to these issues. But to offer some solutions to these issues, let’s do so in the context of each one of the problems.
1. Monogamy can’t be a one-size-fits-all setting for a relationship
Each person’s natural “monogamousness” (if that’s even a word) exists on a spectrum. Like all things, nature and nurture play a role — but unique to this particular spectrum, nurture is almost universally pointing in one direction. Most of us are raised to believe that monogamy is the only way, and we forget that each one of us is born with our natural dispositions as well. Some of us need more variety and novelty in our lives than others, and no amount of nurture or societal nudging can change that. What this means for modern couples is that each member of the relationship has to be honest with themselves about their predispositions and communicate them to their partner. This can only happen when we give ourselves permission to be honest about this topic — the romantic ideal that we are fed from a young age will tell us that it’s not OK to be honest about this sort of thing. “Hey, I love you, and I also will need to be sexual with others at some point in our relationship.” When have you ever seen that conversation in a romantic comedy?
The point here is that we are trained to turn away from our nature and taught that if we need things that fall outside the confines of traditional monogamy, that communicating those needs is somehow an act of betrayal or lack of love for our partner. We have to make it OK, normal and even an act of love to communicate those needs. To take this further, we then need to create space in our relationships to work through those needs. How to do that is a separate article in itself, but it requires us to grow and evolve and work through sometimes challenging emotions — not surprisingly, all things that deepen our intimacy over time!
2. Life is not binary so our relationships can’t be
Last week we spoke about how the social construct of monogamy is a binary, pass/fail construct. Basically, the cultural conversation and expectation around monogamy allows for no gray area. You are either in or you’re out, faithful or a cheater, monogamous or a “swinger.” The problem with this is that is not how life works, and it’s certainly not how relationships work. Relationships are living, breathing things that change over time. We have to move away from rigidity about love and sex to a more breathable, flexible and natural way of thinking about it all — and then make room for that in our intimate relationships. How we make room for that in our relationships is by talking about it. Again, it’s about permission and honesty. We teach our clients that sexual contracts in relationships should be renegotiated at least every five years, but ideally every year!
3. Have realistic expectations about monogamy/non-monogamy
If you choose to be in a monogamous relationship, either for a period of time or as a lifelong choice, don’t go into it blindly. Be prepared to deal with the inevitable challenges of it honestly and with an open heart. For example, how will you handle it when you or your partner has a sexual or emotional desire for others? How will you navigate keeping your sexual intimacy thriving and passionate within the confines of monogamy without the veil of monotony slowly falling over your eyes? How will you negotiate non-sexual forms of relating, like flirting and crushes? What will you do if someone cheats?
Remember that the most common form of non-monogamy is infidelity, and we all know how much havoc infidelity has wreaked on relationships and families. So, if monogamy isn’t for you and you choose to go the non-monogamy route, can you do it with total honesty and virtue? This requires you to have the challenging conversations around what your needs are, your partner’s needs are and work through triggering emotions and cultural conditioning in order to meet those needs.
No route — monogamy or non-monogamy — is the “right” route. They both come with their tremendously worthwhile challenges, challenges that if faced, will deepen your intimacy and help evolve you as a human.
So get honest with yourself and your partner. Which route do you wanna take right now? What are your fears, questions and concerns about either of them? What are your needs in this arena? What are you not communicating about and why? Hit us up and let us know your thoughts and questions. We are here to help you.
