How to make monogamy great
In the last three weeks, we have discussed a variety of topics, all surrounding the themes of monogamy, non-monogamy and infidelity. While some may choose to explore forms of non-monogamy at some point in their relationship, we believe that some period of monogamy is the best way to build lifelong trust, safety and intimacy — unironically, all things that are needed in order to safely explore any area of non-monogamy.
We’ve spent a lot of time talking about some major problems that arise out of traditional monogamy and the one-size-fits-all approach so many couples take toward their relationships. Today, however, we want to close out this four-part series by focusing on how to make a monogamous relationship as great as it can be.
We will unpack this conversation by asking a series of questions for you to answer for yourself, then discuss the nature of the questions and why they are important. As always, please email us your answers to these questions, as we love to hear from you and any questions you may have.
Are you oriented toward monogamy?
In order to have a thriving monogamous relationship over time, you need to be oriented toward monogamy. A key way of knowing that you are naturally more oriented toward monogamy is that you have a far greater desire for safety and security in your erotic life than you do a need for novelty and adventure. This doesn’t mean that you don’t need novelty and adventure — it just means that safety and security are paramount to the extent that they are prioritized. You may feel that while the idea of being with others might be exciting or fun, it has very little gravitational pull on you and certainly doesn’t feel like something that you need. The intimacy that is developed by being with one person and one person only is far more interesting and special to you than a desire to explore with others. Additionally, the idea of your partner being with somebody else feels far too threatening of an idea to ever consider, or at least consider for the foreseeable future.
Another thing to consider about being more naturally oriented toward monogamy is your sexual history and sex drive. Are you somebody who desires physical intimacy daily or someone who desires that one or two times a week? Are you somebody who has had a large amount of partners and experiences in your life, or somebody who has had only a few? In general, those with a higher need for frequency and/or more partners tend to be less naturally oriented toward monogamy than their counterparts. To be clear, people with high sex drives and a history of multiple partners certainly can and do have thriving monogamous relationships — these are not hard and fast rules, but more so signposts of your natural orientation toward monogamy and smart questions to be asking yourself when thinking about your relationship needs over time.
Are you willing to do the work?
One of the biggest mistakes that we have seen couples make over our years of coaching has been the belief that “true love” is enough to create a lifelong, successful monogamous relationship. To be blunt, love is simply not enough. The momentum of love only lasts so long in the bedroom, and without doing the work, succumbs to the inevitable kiss of death: monotony and wandering eyes.
Successful monogamous relationships require a steadfast commitment to maintaining, nurturing and deepening the erotic spark that was there in the beginning of the relationship and during the “honeymoon” phase. This mandates that couples understand the fact that this spark will indeed fade over time, and more importantly, an understanding of what creates this spark in the first place. We have written at length about this in previous columns, but to review, the pillars of creating desire in relationships are: novelty, risk, adventure, mystery and distance. Couples need to get brave and creative in how they play with these elements in their intimacy.
Like anything worthwhile in life, successful monogamous relationships take work. This work looks like profoundly caring about your romantic life. Date nights. Saying “yes” to physical intimacy, regularly. Exercising, eating healthy and staying attractive to your partner over the years. Flirting. Prioritizing your intimacy. It looks like a commitment to honesty and truth-telling — about your needs, your desires and your upsets. Especially communicating about any struggles you may be having in staying monogamous. Which brings us to the next question. …
Are you prepared for the challenges that monogamy will bring?
Monogamy brings with it a unique set of challenges for which couples need to be prepared. Just like backcountry skiers need to be smart about where they ski, understand snowpack and conditions and bring their avalanche gear with them, monogamous couples need to be aware of what they are signing up for and what lies ahead. Know that an avalanche can happen at any moment, even when you take all the precautions.
Expect to have to deal with monotony, with one or both of you desiring others at some point in the relationship. Expect to feel unmotivated to do the work at times — and do it anyway because it matters. Expect even slip-ups from time to time and be prepared to deal with them, especially if you have been together for 10, 20, 30 years and have a family and a home and a rich and loving history. Don’t be black and white about this; this is complicated with a ton of gray areas.
There is a lot more that can be discussed about this topic, but we’ll end here for now. Now tell us, are you in a monogamous relationship? What are some of the struggles and challenges that you face? Email us and let us know — we are here to help!
