Marriage Ain’t Sexy…
This week we are going to do something a little different than we normally do here. Instead of answering one reader's specific question, we are instead going to unpack a question that we have received from countless readers and clients over our years of coaching couples. This is one of the most common questions we receive and even a question that we have addressed in this column in a “here’s what you can do to help address this problem” or “heal the symptoms” angle, but we have not taken a deep dive into the root cause of this issue. The question we are referring to, in some form or another is, “why is it so hard to keep things sexy/hot/passionate etc. in my marriage/long term relationship?” Can you relate?
To put it in plain and simple terms, marriage/long term relationships are not sexy. In fact, the more you are with somebody and the more your lives become intertwined, the less sexy your entire situation becomes. Add kids into the mix and poof, even more so. Marriages/long term relationships necessitate dealing with the realities of life; managing the home, sharing chores, dealing with finances, schedules, careers, children, baby sitters, details, details and more details. There is the reality of your partner's crumpled up underwear on the floor, their make up smeared on the vanity or beard trimmings left in the sink. The annoyance of them forgetting where the car keys are or hurting your feelings in the same way they have been since they hurt your feelings for the first time. There are family dynamics that you have to deal with. Spending time with in-laws and all that comes with that. There are the “issues” in your relationship. The challenges of love that anybody who has been in a long term relationship for more than 6 months knows are inherently part of any relationship, even the best, most loving ones. Hopefully, if you are in a healthy and happy relationship, there are also all the wonderful and great parts of being together as well. Cuddles on the couch, feeling safe together, feeling like somebody really truly knows you and holds your heart. Friendship, intimacy, family, togetherness, all of it. All that being said, you will not find nearly any of this stuff in the erotic realm that creates passion, sexiness, or the desire that sparked your attraction towards each other in the first place.
None of this is a bad thing! We paint this picture first and foremost to normalize this phenomena that literally all of us experience at some point in our long term relationships. This is all normal and to be expected. And yes, there is something that can be done about this, but before we dive into that, let's just please take a moment to all collectively forgive ourselves and our partners for coming face to face with this very common, albeit mundane reality of living and loving in long term relationships. Acceptance and awareness is the first step to being able to do something about this. Far too often we see couples blaming each other for this phenomenon, or worse off, thinking that if they were with somebody else, somebody different or “better,” this wouldn’t happen. But, we’ll say it again, long term relationships aren’t sexy, so even with a different partner, once the honeymoon phase is over, people end up in the same place.
Now, what can be done about this? Most of us desire to be in a long term relationship and still have that erotic spark. That’s the dream right? The metaphor we like to use and that we teach our clients is that you can’t expect a cactus to grow in a cold climate. If you live in a cold climate and want a cactus to grow, you need to build a greenhouse and create an artificial environment for that cactus to grow. The erotic realm is the same, it lives and thrives in mystery, in the unknown, in the unpredictable and the uncertain. These things don’t grow organically inside the ecosystem of a long term relationship, so people who choose to be in long term relationships need to build their own versions of “erotic greenhouses.” You do this by separating the everyday parts of your relationship from the erotic parts of your relationship. The practice is to regularly create the time and space to consciously turn away from the normal everyday parts of your relationship, and turn towards the world of mystery, adventure, and the unpredictable together. The more clearly you separate these parts of your life, the more potent the shift in energy will be, almost like you and your partner are stepping into a different reality from your everyday reality. There are an infinite amount of ways you can do this and for each couple, how this is expressed will be different, but the important point to take away here is that you and your partner are aware of and intentional about creating your own erotic greenhouses together for this massively important part of your relationship to continue growing and thriving, amidst both the chaos and the mundane of everyday life as a modern couple.
