3 Keywords to Thrive this Holiday
Now that the (sleigh) bells of this year's holiday season are ringing, we felt it would be helpful to talk about some strategies to keep in mind while navigating the world of in-law’s, family dynamics and all things “home for the holidays,” specifically as it pertains to our intimate relationships.
A very common issue that has come up over our years of coaching people, has been a difficulty in dealing with their spouse’s families. Whether it’s a grandparent two generations removed from adult grandkids who shares a completely different worldview than their children’s children, or the classic liberal vs conservative divide that riddles so many families these days, or an alcoholic parent or relative, or a new partner that everybody just doesn’t like, family dynamics can indeed be a minefield. And while there are so many nuances to family dynamics, we feel that there are three key words to keep in mind that will serve all of us well during this holiday season. Those key words are Boundaries, Love and Forgiveness.
For those of us, or our partners, who’ve been blessed with wonderful healthy families where the holidays become something to look forward to all year, boundaries can be a super helpful tool to ensure the best possible outcome for everybody involved. Maybe it’s as simple as not leaving the kids alone with the grandparents once they’ve started drinking, or making sure that you and your partner have a few hours of alone time each day. Maybe having an understanding that certain topics are off limits for the week, or even that certain topics need to be addressed in a conscious manner before the whole family gets together. Whatever it is, it’s important to create these boundaries with your partner in advance, so help make your time with family as connected and trigger-free as possible.
For those of us, or our partners, who were born into families wrought with unhealthy dynamics, dysfunction, addiction, and abuse, boundaries are even more imperative in order to assure you and your partner's own self protection and mental well being while still honoring family. Sometimes these boundaries actually need to be set with the family members in advance, but what’s more important is establishing these boundaries within yourself and your partner in terms of what you are both willing to engage with and what you aren’t. Shorter visits, sober mandates, off limit conversations and knowing when to leave all become even more important when navigating the world of dysfunctional and unhealthy family dynamics.
Regardless of the kind of family package you or your partner come bundled up with, having clear boundaries makes it much easier for you to focus on our next keyword which is Love. It’s so easy to forget that leading with and prioritizing love is far and above the best practice when dealing with you or your partner's family. What does this mean? This means not giving into the temptation of taking things personally, nor of succumbing to petty judgments, score keeping or playing the victim. It means truly understanding that each member of your family is first and foremost a by-product of their conditioning, how they were raised and both their physical genetics and epi-genetics. If you are dealing with an especially unconscious family member or dynamic, remember that the vast majority of people are doing the best they can and act the way they do towards both you or your partner because they don’t actually know any better. If they are toxic, remember that their toxicity affects them far worse than it does you and that they are likely suffering. This doesn’t mean to tolerate abuse or disrespect (remember boundaries) but it does mean that you can still lead with love and by doing so, both rise above whatever the unhealthy dynamics are as well as be a catalyst for healing.
This brings us to our last key word which is Forgiveness. Leading with love requires you to forgive, both you and your partners' families, and yourselves as well. Forgive them for all the reasons we mentioned above, and because you can. And forgive yourself because you too, are doing the best you can, even in your slip ups and in moments where you may lose your patience or temper or take things personally. Forgive because it feels far better than not forgiving, and just as you deserve forgiveness for doing the best that you can, so do they for doing their best in turn, even if sometimes it feels like it’s not good enough.
The holidays can be an extremely emotional time for so many of us and for so many reasons. We aren’t pretending that dealing with family dynamics is easy or that these key words we’ve discussed above are a walk in the park to implement. In fact, depending on the family, they can be extremely difficult for some of us to implement. Regardless though, keep them in mind to assure that your head and heart will be in the right place, and this holiday season will be more aligned with both.
