Why is that dating is harder than ever?
Dear Maxwells: Chatting with my single friends, it seems that the consensus between us all is that dating is harder than ever. Why has dating become so hard these days?
Dear Reader: Thank you so much for your question. If dating is harder now that it was for previous generations, we can’t know for sure because we weren’t alive and dating in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s etc, but we don’t disagree that dating in today’s day and age is indeed wrought with a whole new set of challenges and pitfalls that are unique to the modern era. These challenges and pitfalls can and do make dating extremely challenging for so many people who desire love and long term intimacy and we have heard this question from countless of our clients over the years as well. Let’s explore what some of these challenges are, and why they feel so insurmountable for so many.
#1 Never before in the history of dating have people been presented with so many options. 20 years ago, if you wanted to go meet other single people, you would have to go out and meet them in real life. At a bar or restaurant, perusing the room for potential mates, there was no way to know who was single, save maybe a ring on a finger. Additionally, there was no way to know much about anybody who may catch your eye except for what their body language, clothing and general “vibe” were communicating. Now, there are around 1,500 dating apps, each with thousands of profiles and profile pictures of single people, all telling you something about themselves; their likes, dislikes, windows into their sense of humor, what they are or aren’t looking for etc. All of this can lead to a sense of overwhelm and a sneaking suspicion that maybe you are settling, no matter who you are with, because “look at how many other potential people there are out there.” Additionally, because of the sea of endless options that are just a click of a finger away, it's far too easy to drop whoever you are dating (or for them to drop you) as soon as one of you doesn’t like something about the other person, and just hop on the apps again to go fishing for something potentially better.
#2 Never before in the history of dating have expectations for relationships been so high. We’ve written about this before in the first article we ever wrote for this column, but it’s this notion of “dating and loving in the age of personal development.” We want more from our potential partners than ever before and we expect more from them than ever before. Emotional intimacy and maturity, passionate sex, best-friendship, shared values and interests, financial stability and security, the list goes on and on. The problem with this though is that nobody can be everything to another person but our expectations and the cultural narrative that we are fed says otherwise, and as a result, far too many people end up sabotaging potential relationships because of unrealistic expectations of love.
#3 Never before have women been as financially independent as they are now. Women’s liberation! This is obviously a good thing. Duh. Let us just make that clear. More and more women no longer need a man for the financial stability that they needed men for historically. Women can and should be far more picky about what they desire in relationships. As a result, the dating pool has gotten smaller and smaller for women.
#4 Men are lost and struggling: The necessity of shedding the toxic elements of old school ways of relating to masculinity has resulted in far too many men throwing the baby out with the bathwater. The evolution of gender identity has left many men wondering where to stand in terms of their own relationship to masculinity, having purpose and direction, and in how to relate to women. Our culture as a whole is largely stuck in an abyss of gray area and conflicting messaging that pull us simultaneously in opposing directions. Classic gender roles and old school ways of relating still live in the collective subconscious. As much as we might want to believe that men are championed by society for becoming more and more emotionally embodied, society at large still shuns men who earn less than their female counterparts or are too emotionally sensitive. And we may not want to admit it, but many women who earn a nice living for themselves still struggle to be attracted to men who earn less than them. For men who earn more than them, there is still a likelihood of wanting to play the classic role of provider. Culture both simultaneously tells us that this is wrong and reinforces it at the same time, dividing us into factions of those trying to keep things as they used to be those who shudder at the same notion.
These are only some of the reasons why dating feels so challenging today. But just because it’s challenging doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to find the love of your life. Know that if you are struggling with dating you are not alone. And know that if you are consistently struggling, there is absolutely something that you can do to change your dynamic in how you are dating and choosing partners. Working with a therapist or coach in this area is paramount if dating is an area that you are struggling with. Just remember: don’t throw in the towel! It is time to learn about yourself, and evolve as you search for your person.
