To Believe or Not to Believe
Dear Maxwells: I recently started dating somebody who is a self proclaimed atheist. I don’t consider myself as strongly religious per se, but I’ve always had a strong belief in God and my spiritual life is very important to me, and continues to be more so as I get older. My new partner and I align on so many things but this is something that we certainly do not align on and have found ourselves getting into heated discussions about with no resolution. My question is whether or not this is a problem or will pose a future problem down the line? Is this relationship doomed to fail because of this?
Dear Reader, thanks so much for your question. We are grateful for the opportunity to speak to this as it illuminates a much larger issue which we see so many couples struggling with which is that one person cannot be everything to another. We humans are complex beings with ever evolving needs, opinions and desires and regardless of what the romantic ideal that we’ve all been spoonfed to believe in says, there is no one person who is going to be able to fulfill all your needs and desires. At best, you’ll get an 8 out of 10 in terms of alignment on things. And even that is pretty rare.
The best way to think about this is to have an understanding of what your hierarchy of needs really are. In other words, what are the values and interests that are truly most important to you and for your partner to be in alignment with? If you can’t have everything, (which you can’t,) what are the most important things that you absolutely must have? There is no universal answer to this and each person must figure it out for themselves. For example, having a shared interest in live music might be massively important to somebody who is passionate about going to see live music regularly, and travels around the world going to shows and festivals. To another person, a shared interest in music might be a nice commonality but certainly is not a priority or a dealbreaker. Same thing goes for religion and/or spirituality. If your relationship with God and your spirituality is a priority in your hierarchy of needs, then yes, dating an atheist is an absolute recipe for trouble down the line. If your relationship with these things is important but not as important as say, some of the other values and interests that you share, then you can share your spirituality with friends or other people who align with you on that level but not have it be something you and your partner connect about. Only you can know how important this is to you and so it’s paramount that you are honest with yourself about this.
Where you can really run into trouble is if you lie to yourself and your partner about the level of importance this, or any area of your life has to you. For example, if spirituality is actually really important to you, but you are downplaying it because you don’t want to lose them, or are hoping it won’t actually be an issue, or more dangerously hoping that over time, your partner will come around and see your side of things; all of this is a recipe for real problems down the line. So many of us have fallen prey to this idea that true love will somehow bridge these value gaps and love has nothing to do with them. No amount of true love will turn your partner into a God loving true believer. Is it possible that they may, through conversations and self-reflection, change their perspective on this, or other things over time? Sure. But don’t count on it, and certainly don’t convince yourself that they will change or hinge the future of your relationship on your need for them to change. This is so important to understand and unfortunately, such a common issue that we see in so many couples that we work with.
The last thing that we’ll say on this is that you must take and love your partner at face value. If you are dating somebody that doesn’t align with you on something important, you must believe what they say, and not base your future with them on your need for them to change. If you both evolve your beliefs together, great! However, remember to make it clear to them that they must evolve if you need them to, and subsequently get a commitment from them that they will, otherwise the relationship won’t work for you.
