If My Partner Would Just Let Me…
Today we are going to talk about a phenomenon in intimate relationships that is as ubiquitous as it is insidious, and that phenomenon is this idea of “if my partner will let me.” We’re sure you’ve come across this in your day to day conversations in some way, shape or form. “Hey, do you want to go golfing this weekend? “I’d love to but I need to check to see if the wife will let me.” “Hey, do you want to come out to the Belly Up with me and some friends tonight?” “Yea but I need to see if my husband will let me.” These comments are commonly accompanied by body language signifying a joke, but sometimes they are accompanied by an eyeroll or look of annoyance as well. “My wife/husband would never let me do xyz” is also a common one as well, or even more so, “there is noooo waaaay my wife/husband would ever let me do that.”
This propensity to put the onus of one’s autonomy onto the shoulders of their partner is far more damaging to our intimate relationships than we might realize. Even in the context of a joke, the underlying issue still remains which is that we as a culture have accepted this notion that our autonomy is held captive by our intimate partner, and even worse, that “that’s just the way it is.” We’ve heard it time and time again, that marriage and commitment equals a loss of freedom, equals a relinquishing of one's own ability to get their needs met and subsequently, the end of fun and adventure. Underneath these all too common jokes is a victim like mentality propagated by people who are unwilling to take their own lives into their own hands and create a relationship where it’s perfectly acceptable, let alone mandated, that each person advocate for their own needs.
The language of “let me” is parent/child language. “I can’t go out and play today because my mom won’t let me.” We can’t be surprised at the rampant amount of sexless marriages and an infidelity rate currently estimated at 75% of modern relationships when it’s normal to turn your partner into your Mommy or Daddy (and no, not the good kind of “daddy”) let alone your gatekeeper. This kind of mentality breads resentment and/or complacency. Once a person has lost their ability to make their own decisions and advocate for themselves they either will start doing it in secret, start to hate the person they have allowed themselves to give their authority to, or let themselves go, slowly degenerating into lackluster versions of themselves.
This isn’t to say that the remedy for this is just to do whatever the heck you want, whenever you want to. Taking your partner's feelings about your decisions as well as schedules, household and familial responsibilities is necessary to create a thriving relationship, but this is not the same thing as relating to your partner like an authority that will either “let you” or not.
The remedy for this is actually to understand that a thriving relationship consists of 2 autonomous individuals who are both working to create something better than the sum of its parts. And in order to do that, the autonomy of both individuals needs to remain intact. Only then can each person have the real freedom to operate in service of the relationship and prioritize the relationship over themselves which requires the freedom to be able to choose to do so versus a feeling of obligation or worse, perceived lack of permission to choose otherwise.
The keyword here is “choice.” Healthy relationships require that each member of that relationship maintains their power to choose. To choose the other. To choose the relationship. And to choose themselves. Over and over again for all three. Sometimes what is best for a relationship is choosing to do something for oneself and sometimes it’s choosing to do something that is in the best interest of the relationship and not for oneself. It’s nearly impossible to know the difference between the two if each individual's ability to choose freely falls to the wayside.
It’s fascinating how normal it is for people to relinquish their power to choose over to their partner and we must stop accepting this as the norm in our culture if we want our relationships to evolve beyond a 50% divorce rate and a 75% infidelity rate. Instead we have to create the space inside our relationships where we can advocate for our own needs and profoundly care about our partners needs, even if they are not our own.
So, if you are somebody that jokes about your partner “not letting” you do something that you want, please, stop making those jokes now. They are damaging your relationship far more than you might realize. Instead, go have a conversation with your partner about whatever dynamic you feel is keeping you from doing what you want to do, and ask them if there is anything that they feel they can’t do unless you “let them” too.
