Does “playing it cool” work?

Dear Maxwell’s, I’m single and dating.  I’ve seen so much conflicting dating advice lately.  Half of what I see says to “just be yourself and be honest about your feelings,” while the other half of what I see is some version of “don’t be too available or you’ll scare somebody away.”  How am I supposed to be honest and transparent about my feelings without coming on too strong and scaring somebody I like away?  

This is a great question and one that virtually every single person we’ve coached in dating and finding a partner has struggled with.  It really is the age old question of “do I play it cool” or do I “let it all hang out?”  

There is a very simple solution for this which we will reveal at the end of this article.  But first let’s discuss the underlying issues here.  The first issue is that when you are desiring an intimate partner, it’s true that it’s of utmost importance to present the real version of yourself to whoever you are courting or is courting you.  That’s the only way to really get to know somebody and for somebody to really get to know you.  This requires honesty and vulnerability.  Showing up as who you are and being transparent about what you want, what you don’t want and where you are in your life situation.  “Playing it cool” is basically the opposite of this right?  “Playing it cool” is keeping your feelings, thoughts and desires to yourself to create a facade of unavailability in order to manipulate somebody into thinking that you are a more desirable and scarce asset.  The problem that so many people run into though is that “playing it cool” seems to work a lot of the time! What people don’t realize though is that “playing it cool” also makes a healthy relationship way more unlikely down the line.  

Why does playing it cool, at least on the surface, work so well?  To understand this we have to take a look at some basic rules of attraction.  What makes something desirable?  The first and foremost reason is “scarcity.”  Why is an Hermes Bag or a Patek Phillipe so expensive?  Is it because they can hold more stuff or tell better time? Of course not.  It’s because of scarcity.  There are only so many of them to go around.  Additionally their price point makes it so only a select few can afford to buy them which brings us to our next rule of attraction: exclusivity.  You are either in the club or you are not and it's human nature to want to be in a club that won’t have you.  Humans find scarce and exclusive assets more valuable and desirable than easily accessible ones.  It’s just our nature.  It’s why we are obsessed with celebrities and limited editions and why there are popular kids in high school.  

Dating is no exception.  It really is true that even if you are the best looking, funniest, richest catch in the world…if you are too available, you will unfortunately turn somebody off, especially in the beginning of a courtship.  However, “playing it cool” is still the worst way to handle dealing with these rules of attraction and does more damage to the possibility of a relationship down the line than most people realize.  The reason being is that that “playing it cool” is fake.  It’s a lie, a mask that you wear.  It signals to whoever is doing it that they are not good enough as their real selves to attract a partner and to whoever is on the receiving end of it, that whether consciously or unconsciously, who they are interacting with is not the real version of themselves.  If it works, it only works temporarily because at some point or another, you will have to get real, and you will also always be wondering if the person you are “playing it cool” with only likes the fake version of you versus the real one.  You will constantly be insecure that if you really show the person who you are, you will lose them. 

So what is the solution here?  If you don’t want to come on too strong, but also don’t want to dig yourself into the pit of “playing it cool” what do you do?  The answer is to authentically make yourself a valuable asset versus pretending to be one.  This means that you must have a rich, full and fulfilling life on your own.  A rich and full life on your own means that you are busy doing things that you are passionate about.  Whether it’s your hobbies or your career or social life or volunteer work or even joy in solitude, it just means that you are busy living an exciting and fulfilling life in and of itself; a life where the addition of a partner would be a wonderful addition, but not a life that is meaningless without one.  It means that you care for your body and your health.  That you value yourself first and foremost and do the things that make you feel like you have value, on your own terms, not just in the eyes of another.  If you are living this way, you will naturally, without having to feign it or fake it, become more attractive, desirable and “scarce” and thus, more of all those things in the eyes of others.  It also means that because you are authentically a desirable asset, you can be yourself without playing games and without worrying that you will scare somebody away.  Far more effective at attracting a long term relationship than playing games and playing it cool.  

Lastly, if you are single and trying to attract a partner, it’s important to be dating multiple people at once until you are ready to become exclusive with somebody.  This doesn’t mean two timing somebody or having multiple girlfriends/boyfriends.  This means that you are going on 1st, 2nd, 3rd dates with multiple different people and being transparent about it if necessary.  It means having multiple options in the beginning and only once a real connection is made, becoming exclusive with somebody.  This assures a couple important things.  The first is that you don’t get “one-itis,” a term in the dating world that refers to the phenomenon of getting obsessed with one person to the point where nobody else is interesting to you.  This almost guarantees that you will become needy and repel whoever it is that you’re obsessing over.  We’ve all experienced how much it sucks to have “one-itis” at some point in our lives.  I even had it for Sally in college and she can tell you first hand, how unattractive it was to her.  It was only when I started to value myself and date other people and have multiple options that she started to respect me and thus paved the way for our now, 15 year relationship.  The 2nd reason to date multiple people is because it naturally makes you a more desirable and scarce asset.  And not in a manipulative way, but in a way that makes logical sense.  If you are a valuable asset, aren’t you going to make sure that you don’t get attached to somebody too quickly without getting to know them?  Aren’t you going to see what your options are and make people prove to you that they are worth your time before you shut down relating with others?  

Doing these things will allow you to both be yourself completely without the fear of scaring somebody away.  It will ensure that you are a valuable and desirable asset in the eyes of others because you will be those things in the eyes of yourself first.  

Let us know…do you struggle with the relationship between playing it cool and coming on too strong?  What other struggles are you having in dating and attracting a partner? Send us an email and let us know.  We love to hear from you all and are here to help you.