Expanding romantic horizons
One of the most common questions that we have received from readers and clients alike are questions revolving around the topics of infidelity, monogamy and nonmonogamy. We have yet to work with a couple that hasn’t struggled with at least some aspect of traditional monogamy — and the desire for some form of nonmonogamy seems to be increasing at an exponential level. Because this is such a major issue as well as such an important conversation to be having in the context of modern love, we are going to dedicate the next four weeks to discussing various themes, all circumscribed around the topic of “monogamy” and “nonmonogamy.”
In our first article for the Aspen Daily News where we introduced the concept of “modern love,” we said that “traditional monogamy has failed us all in some form or another.” To illustrate this point, ask yourself the following question: Have you ever cheated, been cheated on or have your parents ever cheated or been cheated on? If your answer is “no,” then consider yourself in the vast minority of the general population in the west. In working with hundreds and hundreds of clients over the years, we can count on less than two hands the amount of people who have been able to answer “no” to this question.
Is monogamy solely to blame for this? No, but is monogamy one of the foundational culprits for this reality? Absolutely. Additionally, modern studies on infidelity now estimate that up to 75% of traditional monogamous relationships suffer from at least some form of infidelity, as well as the statistic that men and women are now equally likely to cheat. Would you board a plane with a 75% chance of crashing? That is obviously a rhetorical question, and yet modern couples are still boarding the “monogamy plane” with blindfolds on every day.
Why is monogamy so challenging for so many couples? Let's take a look at a few of the myriad reasons:
“One size fits all”
Monogamy is unfortunately still treated as the default setting, the one-size-fits all solution for how to design our intimate relationships. This is a major problem, as each individual’s natural propensity for monogamy — like a person’s sexual orientation — exists on a spectrum. Some people have a greater need for novelty and variety than others. Others have a greater need for safety and security. Conditioning, too, plays a major role in the relationship between these two opposing needs. And as a result, every relationship needs to be designed on its own terms, taking into account the needs of each individual inside of that relationship. Additionally, relationships change and evolve over time. Monogamy might be perfect for some relationships for a certain amount of time, and some form of nonmonogamy might be necessary later down the line. Relationships, like humans, are living, breathing, ever-changing organisms, not binary immutable structures.
“Monogamy as a binary, ‘pass/fail’ social construct.”
To better illustrate this, let’s use the metaphor of a “ketogenic diet.” For those of you that don’t know what a ketogenic diet is, it’s a very specific and rigid high-fat diet that only allows about 50-75 grams of carbohydrates a day with the goal of putting your body into “ketosis:” a state where the body burns fat for energy instead of carbohydrates.
For the purpose of this metaphor, let's now imagine that a ketogenic diet is the current “default” way of eating in America. You’ve been taught that this is how you are supposed to eat since you’ve been a little kid. The vast majority of everybody that you know eats this way. Your parents, grandparents, teachers, religious figures, politicians, friends, the zeitgeist as a whole, considers this not only the correct way to eat but the moral way to eat. Additionally — and here is the kicker — if you break your diet (maybe have a few too many drinks one night at a bachelor or bachelorette party, the seductive scent of a sizzling pizza wafting out of a late-night pizza joint takes over your impulses), you cave, gobble it up and bam! Your whole world implodes. Even with just one infraction, you are now a cheater. Your marriage or relationship will never be the same. There is a high probability of your partner even leaving or divorcing you, of being shunned and shamed by your community of friends — you could even have custody of your own children taken away from you.
Obviously, the above metaphor is reductive, but it’s reductive for the sole reason of illustrating that the vast majority of people in the West relate to monogamy in the exact same reductive way. What an epic set-up-to-fail construct that we as a culture have attached to our intimate relationships and, more importantly, to our definitions of what love is. It’s the exact same reason people often fail at maintaining extreme diets for long periods of time. Humans are not made to survive in binary systems for long. We are more complex than that, and our needs are more in flux than binary systems can accommodate. To be clear, this does not justify cheating! It instead mandates that we need to be having the real, honest conversations about this social construct and its limitations so that we don’t end up feeling like we have no choice but to cheat.
False expectations about monogamy
The cultural narrative around monogamy carries with it a number of lies that far too many people still buy, hook line and sinker. The biggest and most pervasive lie is that the power of love should be enough to combat all of the challenges that monogamy will inevitably present. “True love” will protect your relationships from a wandering eye — or even more so, “true love” means never even having a wandering eye! Love and a desire for sex with others have nothing to do with each other. You can be madly in love with your partner and still desire sex with others, even need sex with others. And it is these false narratives that trap couples time and time again because believing in them means never having to develop the skills and tools to navigate monogamy and its limitations together.
Does this mean successful monogamous relationships are not possible? Of course not. They most certainly are possible, but they are also not for everybody. In order for a monogamous relationship to work, both members of the relationship need to be naturally oriented toward monogamy and have a true desire for it. Most importantly though, whether monogamous or nonmonogamous, couples need to be equipped with the right communication tools to navigate the inevitable challenges that accompany designing your sexual contracts with each other. And this is what we will be discussing in the next three installments of “modern love.” Stay tuned!
