Do you recommend dating apps and matchmaking services?
This week we turn to dating with a question from one of our readers: Dear Maxwells, I’m a woman in my mid-30s looking to find a partner. Do you recommend dating apps or even more specifically, matchmaking services to help me with this?
Instead of answering in a yes-or-no fashion, we figured the best way to answer this is with a pros-and-cons list.
Pro #1: Why not?
We look at these platforms and services as nothing more than technology, and as we all know, technology has its advantages. We use email, GPS, text messaging, Zoom, etc., to help make our lives more efficient and, for the most part, easier. If you have limited time to go out and meet people, or you are more introverted, dating services increase the amount of metaphorical doors you can knock on, which increases the amount of doors that can open for you. Additionally, to a certain extent, dating apps can help filter people by interests, age, values and obviously attractiveness. Why not increase your chances of meeting somebody and use the benefits of technology to help you do just that?
Pro #2: They work (for lots of people)
We have dear friends who met and fell in love on dating apps. We have clients that meet and fall in love on dating apps. If you Google “dating app success stories,” you will find countless examples of people who have married the love of their life from dating services. In short, technology works. Email is faster than snail mail. GPS is faster than looking at an old-fashioned map. Dating services can and do match people with shared interests, values and worldviews. They don’t work for everybody, but they definitely do work for a lot of people.
Pro #3 It’s great practice!
Being good at dating is a skill. Creating chemistry, getting to know and understand somebody's values, interests, red flags and goals for the future — as well as being able to share your own — requires communication and vulnerability. Doing all this in a way that solidifies attraction and weeds out people who aren’t right fits quickly is a skill that needs practice. Being good at it is super helpful when you are face to face with somebody with whom you’d really like a connection. So why not get good at it? Plus, when you are good at it, dating can be fun, sexy and pleasurable versus all of the negative things often associated with it. Lastly, the more you practice, the more comfortable you become with things like rejection (either giving or receiving).
Con # 1 Too many options
One of the biggest cons of dating services is decision fatigue. Every new profile offers with it the fantasy of the perfect someone, and the perfect someone is indeed a fantasy. The narrative that you can create around somebody’s profile can always be a tricky juxtaposition with whomever you may be currently dating, whether it’s one person or seven people. For example, you could be on a first date with somebody, and in the time it takes them to go to the bathroom, you could have swiped on 13 other profiles. This person may have better hair than the person you’re with, that person may have a better education, the next person who catches your eye, hmmmm, they look like they are fun — and look, they are windsurfing in their photo and you love windsurfing. And on and on and on. This rabbit hole never ends.
Con #2 You mistake technology for real life
People can take things on apps super personally. Being ghosted on an app can feel like being ghosted in real life. Somebody unmatching with you or not swiping back can feel like a real rejection of who you are as a person rather than what it really is: somebody not liking your photos or profile — which is not a true representation of who you are or how you show up in the world. In order for these services to work, you have to have thick skin: Look at them like lead-generating systems and nothing more. Nothing is real until you actually meet somebody in person. And if you can’t manage your mind this way and take it all too personally, then these services are not for you.
Regardless, what’s most important in attracting love isn’t whether you are using these services or not but instead that you are in the game. Being “in the game” means that you are actively working on yourself to be your best version so you can attract the best partner. It means putting yourself out there in the world, physically, mentally and spiritually. It means wanting love and putting actions behind your desires. For example, are you exercising? Are you up to something in your life and career? Are you being open about who you are and what you want to people you meet? These are some of the most important things you can do to attract a partner, and if you are doing these things, you will call in the right person regardless of whether you use these services. Who you are being is paramount to what you are doing. Success in relationships — just like anything in life, really — starts from within.
