Part 2: What do you mean when you say sex is mandatory?

This week we will continue our answer to last weeks question, “Dear Maxwells, what do you mean when you say sex is mandatory?”  

A quick review from last week in case you missed it:    

We believe and teach our coaching clients that physical intimacy is the most important part of any sexual relationship, especially monogamous relationships which are still the predominant form of sexual relationships in western culture. 

As we articulated last week, the first reason that sex is paramount in any relationship is that it is what makes you and your partner different from everybody else in your life.  Basically, sex is not the only reason you are with your partner — shared interests, values and many other factors are important reasons to be with somebody — but the one thing that you share exclusively with your partner and nobody else is the fact that you have sex with them! 

For a more comprehensive explanation of these first two reasons, check out the first installment on this topic from last week. Now, onto Part 2.

In this era that we call “modern love,” one of the things we discuss a lot is the idea of all of the hats that we wear in our intimate relationships. We are mothers, fathers, career-women and career-men, “best friends,” roommates, financial partners, and so on. Often, the hat that gets forgotten about or most pushed to the wayside is the hat of being lovers. Sex reinforces your intimacy, it is the primal and original connection between the two of you, the first soundtrack you composed together and ironically what most likely drew you to each other in the first place! If that primal connection disintegrates over time, resentment will take its place and eventually people will stray outside of the relationship to find that spark again. This is not the only reason why people cheat in relationships, but it’s a big one. 

Lastly, let’s talk about polarity. With few exceptions, all sexual attraction is built on the polarity between masculine energy and feminine energy manifested through human forms. This is true for both heteronormative and non-heteronormative relationships, as well as opposite-sex and same-sex realtionships. To be clear, when we talk about masculine and feminine energy, we are not talking about “male” and “female” energy, but universal energies which exist in nature and in all of us to varying degrees. Sexual attraction is built on the polarity between these two energies manifested through each individual in an intimacy. Without polarity, there is no magnetism. 

But relationships get depolarized over time. It’s a natural consequence of these hats that we regularly speak of in the context of modern love. Mommy and daddy, while beautiful hats to wear, are not always sexy hats to wear.  Roommates? Not sexy. “Best friends” usually implies a platonic dynamic! Our culture right now, for better or for worse, is depolarizing us all. Our necessary search for equality and egalitarianism is also simultaneously depolarizing our intimate relationships. Does that mean that we shouldn’t fight for equity and equality — absolutely not. But it does mean that in order to survive and thrive as modern-day couples, we must become aware of how to create and magnify sexual polarity within our own intimacies, and sex is an act that repolarizes our relationships.  

So, if you consider sex optional, or you’re saying no to sex in your relationship regularly, ask yourself: What are you actually saying “no” to? You’re saying no to connection, pleasure and sexual polarity (unless you identify as asexual — but even then, physical touch is still an important conduit for intimacy). You’re saying no to your partner’s desires and needs and that thing that separates the two of you from everybody else on the planet. You’re even saying “no” to better physical and emotional health, and lower stress. (For online readers, if you would prefer concrete evidence of that,here is an article from the Cleveland Clinic.)  

Dealing with your sex life head on is a triggering concept for almost every couple we speak to — which is why we dedicated two columns to the subject. It requires you to deal with any and all issues that are currently not being dealt with in your relationship as well as any issues you have with yourself, your body and any potential past traumas you’re harboring. It’s also 100% necessary to have a thriving and happy long-term relationship. So go ahead and examine where you may be a “no” to sex, and examine one thing that you can do today to adress or heal that area for yourself. You’ll be one step closer to a happier relationship with yourself, as well as to a more satisfying sexual relationship with your partner (or future partner!).