My partner hardly ever initiates sex, leaving me feeling unfulfilled
The good news is that this is a very common issue in relationships, and not just in long term relationships but also in early stage relationships as well. So…you are not alone in this, in fact, this is one of those things that the vast majority of couples deal with at least at some point in their relationship, if not regularly.
People don’t initiate sex for the following reasons:
They are uncomfortable initiating.
For a lot of people, initiating sex is intimidating! Initiating sex might be hard because your partner might not know the best way to go about it. They may be dealing with their own issues around their own sexuality that have nothing to do with you: conditioning, low sex drive, daily overwhelm, a history of sexual abuse and other powerful internal issues that shape their relationship to sexuality.
Sex carries with it so many narratives that are deeply personal to each of us. These are both personal narratives and cultural narratives. Personal narratives are unique to an individual and their relationship to their own body and sexuality. They are shaped by how someone was raised around the topic of sex, as well as the sexual experiences they have had throughout their life, especially early sexual experiences and exposure to pornography. Unfortunately, the vast majority of Americans were not raised in sex positive environments. Many families barely talk about sex and for the ones who muster up the courage to have a “birds and bee”s conversation, those conversations generally go down as more awkward than enlightening. Unless these personal narratives are uncovered and deeply explored as adults, they will continue to shape who we are as a sexual being in all our relationships.
Cultural narratives also shape our relationship to sexuality in massive ways. One of the most ironic things about Americans is how sex-obsessed and sex-negative we are at the same time. We are constantly bombarded with sex in America. Everywhere we turn we are being sold things through the power of sex and sexuality, especially female sexuality. The sex industry alone is estimated to be upwards of a 100 billion dollar industry and yet, still in 19 states, “abstinence only” is still the only form of public sex education available in this country. Sex is everywhere and yet in the eyes of so many, belongs nowhere but in the shadows.
If your partner is a woman and she has trouble initiating sex, don’t look past the very real reality that so many women are still faced with today that sounds something like, “if you are a woman who likes sex, wants sex, asks for sex, even from your partner, you are a “slut.”” Even if you as her partner don’t feel that way, this is still a powerful and unfortunate influence on many women’s relationships with their sexuality and sexual desires. For men, initiating can be extremely intimidating as well because men are still very much measured by their sexual performance, sexual viritility, and ability to be desired by women. Again, even if these issues are not directly related to your particular relationship or situation, they all seep in through the cracks in some form or other because these narratives are embedded into the subconscious mind of our society as a whole.
Lastly, initiating sex in a relationship can be intimidating because by doing so, you are literally putting yourself out there to get rejected by your partner. And yes, you can most certainly get or feel rejected in a long term relationship! In fact, initiating sex in longer term relationships can be even more intimidating than in early stage relationships because initiating sex carries with it an entire history of relationship dynamics and issues pertaining to sex for the both of you. Sex can be massively triggering for couples! And this topic of rejection brings us to the 2nd reason people don’t initiate sex…
Have you said “no” in the past?
Most of us have said “no” to sex at some point in our relationship. It’s normal and natural to not be in the mood or be tired, to be disconnected physically, emotionally, spiritually, from our partner at times. All that being said though, if your partner doesn’t initiate sex with you, it would be good to take a good and honest look at your history of “no’s.”
Is sex optional for you (or your partner) in your relationship? Is “no” a viable answer in either of your minds? If so, that needs to change! Sex is certianly not optional in an intimate relationship, especially a monogamous relationship. Imagine for an instant if somebody related to showing up for their job as optional, or caring for their children as “mood dependent.” “I don’t feel like showing up for work today…I’m not in the mood.” Or “I’m too tired to change my kid’s diapers.” When it comes to our jobs, we know that it doesn’t matter how we feel about going to work because the consequences are obvious. And thankfully for our children, most of us would never not deal with the necessities of parenthood because the needs of our children come first. But when it comes to our relationships, sadly, we don’t relate to sex as such, and millions of couples all over the world are dealing with the consequences of lackluster sexlives, sexless marraiges and a massively high infidelity rate.
Now, does this mean that whenever your partner wants it, you have to just say yes at the drop of a hat? NO. Does this mean to have non-consensual sex with your partner out of “duty” or because you “have to?” Of course not. But it does mean that if you are or have been a “no,” you need to want to get to a “yes.” And it means that if you are a “no” you need to care about the reasons why you are a “no” and address them. Which brings us to the 3rd reason people don’t initiate sex:
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
Your partner may be having a hard time getting to a “yes” for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Life gets busy. As we wrote about in our first column “What is Modern Love,” the realites of life in this day and age can leave little time for sex and the pursuit of pleasure in general. The many hats we wear in modern day couples of Careerman/Careerwoman, Mother/Father, Roomates, Husband/Wife, Best Friends etc., can all take their toll on the sex drives and sex lives of so many. (Not to mention the sexual polarity and attraction between people, but that will be it’s own topic for another time.) Long story short, have you had a conversation lately with your partner about sex, about their relationship with their body, and their own sexuality? You are in a relationship with each other, yes, but you are first and foremost autonomous individuals. And circling back to the first point about the powerful role that both personal and cultural narratives play in our own relationships to our sexuality, we all have unique and complicated relationships with sex and what sex means to us. And those things can reak havoc on our sexual relationship and connection with our partner. So in short, how tuned into what’s going on for your partner in this area are you? And this is a perfect seque to the last reason people don’t initiate sex…
“It’s not me, it’s you.”
When you and your partner do end up having sex…is it good? Is it great? Do you know what turns your partner on? Are you tuned into their needs, what gets them in the mood and to a “yes?” How would they rate you as a lover?
Dan Savage has a brilliant distinction that we love called the 3 G’s: Good, Game and Giving. Basically, in order to have a great sexual relationship with your partner (or anyone for that matter!) you have to be Good, Game and Giving. Are you good in bed? Are you giving to your partner? And are you “game” or “up for it?” (no pun intended.)
So…It is possible that your partner doesn’t want sex…at least with you…and at least at this juncture in your relationship, and that’s why they are not initiating. The only way to know is to ask!
And lastly, your partner may have unresolved issues with you in other areas of your relationship that are effecting their desire for sexual intimacy with you. The only way to know is to ask!
And that brings us to how to handle this issue, and it starts with an honest and loving conversation. The worst thing you could do in this situation is blame your partner, or show up to the conversation feeling disgruntled and entitled. (In other words, check yourself before you wreck yourself.) Set aside time, and ask your partner for permission to discuss this with them. Before you air your grievance about feeling unwanted and unfulfilled, ask your partner about how they feel about the above 4 topics: Is initiating sex hard for them? Have they ever felt rejected in the past by you? Do they think that sex is optional in the relationship? What about this has nothing to do with you? What about this has something to do with you? (and in the last case, do your best to not get defensive and take your partner’s feedback with a willingness to make a change.) Lastly, make sure to walk away from the conversation with a plan that you and your partner are powerfully aligned on for your sex life.
