How do we manage our different spending habits without ending up fighting about money regularly?
Ahh…money. Other than sex, (and disagreements in how to raise children if you have kids) money may just take the take for the most popular area of life that couples fight about!
First off, we must understand that it is extremely rare to end up being in a relationship with somebody who thinks about something as complex as money in the same way that you do. In order to get on the same page about money, you must realize that money is never the thing that people are in disagreement about. It’s what money represents to each person that is the issue.
Money promises so many different things to so many people. Freedom, status, power, success, safety, security, and even self-worth. For some, money promises safety in the world. Something to fall back on. Something that should be saved. And for others, the promise of money is the promise of pleasure, the good life, the immediate gratification of a new shiny toy, place or even person. For the vast majority of us however, money represents most of these things at different moments of our lives, and rarely in black and white, cookie cutter ways. All that being said, it’s no surprise then that you and your partner have different spending habits!
Step 1 is to care deeply about what money means to your partner, even if you don’t care about it in the same way. Strive to gain a compassionate understanding of what money means to them and understand that their relationship with money was not invented out of thin air. Our relationship with money is handed down to us from our lineage and culture in the form of beliefs and experiences that shape what we value and how we spend/save in our adult lives. Having this understanding will help you both be compassionate with each other and bridge the gap between the two of you about this topic more easily.
The 2nd thing to consider is: what does each individual person in the relationship bring in for income, investments, net worth etc., AND do you cohabitate? If you cohabitate or are married, do you both put your money in one big pot, or do you subscribe to a “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours mentality?”
Taking all these factors into account, both of you need to design a budget or plan around money together that takes care of each person’s financial needs, as well as the impact of their spending (or not spending) on their partner. This will be a negotiation and compromise. Neither person will get 100% of what they want and depending on the phase of your relationship, this plan is going to look very different. Making a financial plan that takes both partners' needs into consideration is an important and rarely practiced form of romantic hygiene. It doesn’t feel romantic, but lays a foundation for the two of you to enjoy your life together and reap the benefits/mitigate the downsides of each other's different views on this complicated topic.
Fun fact about us: When we first moved in together, almost 15 years ago, we created a budget spreadsheet. We both had different incomes, different spending habits, but used this spreadsheet to align and account for our contribution to the “household” (tiny NYC apartment at the time, lol) on a monthly basis. Over the years, we’ve saved these budget spreadsheets and periodically get a sweet chuckle looking back at what our lives looked like in the different phases of our relationship.
If there is an inequality in incomes (which there will likely be), you and your partner need to have a broader conversation about what each of your contributions are to the relationship - not just financially. This requires a 360 degree view of the relationship, and money is just one way that people make a contribution. (Some ideas of other forms of contribution are, but are not limited to: Emotional intimacy, household chores, social planning, humor, sex, child rearing, etc.) In order to deal with discrepancies in income, you each need to become transparent about what your needs are outside of money, and agree with the set up (even if it doesn’t look 50/50, which it will likely not). This also forces you both to communicate transparently about all aspects of your relationship which is the key to a happy, healthy, long term intimacy on every level.
If this sounds very “business-like” to you…it is! And we believe that that’s a good thing. Our intimate relationships should be run like any successful business, with everything accounted for and above board. As we spoke about in our first article “What is Modern Love”, there are so many attributes to modern relationships, and so many different roles we all play that successful relationships require this level of transparency and design, no exceptions.
