What is ‘modern love?’
Modern love, simply put, is loving — and/or searching for love — in the age of hyper self awareness. It is loving in the age of social media, of mindfulness, of personal-development podcasts, therapy and life coaching. It is loving in the age of egalitarianism and political correctness. And it’s loving in the aftermath of those who loved before us, and all the lessons that have been handed down to us about what love is, what it isn’t, and how to do it “right.” As if there is such a thing.
This hyper self awareness has created a paradigm where we now expect more from our intimate relationships than ever before. And yet we are seemingly more blind than ever in how those same expectations have become proverbial minefields for us all. Hopefully though, we can find a way to hold each other's hands while we traverse such difficult terrain.
What are some of these expectations? Just go to any wedding today — or see any posts of weddings on Instagram — and listen to the vows uttered and the promises made. These are promises of being “best friends forever, soulmates, passionate lovers, confidants, loving parents to future children, even each other’s therapists. These are promises that are wrought with the expectation of being everything to the other, and even with infidelity estimated to find itself in up to 75% of modern relationships, expectations of being the “one and only” for each other abound. One of the greatest ironies of modern love seems to be the continued attempt at loving inside the constructs of traditional monogamy while simultaneously being self aware enough to know that traditional monogamy has failed us all in some shape or form.
Additionally, modern couples are saddled with cultural expectations of adhering to at least some level of contemporary “wokeness.” These expectations can be especially difficult to navigate. Currently, women and femmes are expected to work like they don’t have a family and simultaneously mother/wife like they don’t have a career. Men and mascs are expected to shed the snakeskin of toxic masculinity, instantly becoming present, sensitive and loving fathers/husbands, and yet are still often silently castrated by society if they fail to be the primary breadwinners. Same-sex couples are not exempt from these expectations — and are additionally burdened with fighting for the right to even exist in the eyes of the law, let alone navigate the promises and pitfalls of modern love.
For the Silent Generation and early Baby Boomers, to love and be loved in return, provide for one's family and hopefully die from natural causes was considered by most to be a great success in life and love. Psychiatry and personal development was anything but en vogue, and divorce was “just not an option” for most. People stayed together for better and, in a lot of cases, for worse. The next generation divorced — a lot. And now we are all trying to pick up and sort out the pieces.
Modern love is ironic because for so many of us, it’s still very much programmed into the collective consciousness that love and marriage is one of the pinnacles of a successful life. And yet truly happy, long-term relationships remain elusive. We talk to clients all the time who are in their late 30s and 40s who have not yet found “the one,” and even though by many standards have wonderful, successful lives, careers and friends, still feel like they haven’t “made it.”
This is not all to paint a bleak or hopeless picture — in fact, our intention is just the opposite. The promises of modern love are in fact very real. We can be happier and more fulfilled in our intimate relationships than ever before. We can be writing beautiful new love stories for ourselves and as examples for our children. It is possible and even probable, but only if we write a new script. It’s being willing to ask the real questions that are required to succeed in this new world order and have the hard and vulnerable conversations that are at the crux of it all. Then, what is possible opens up for us in ways we may have never imagined.
Some of these questions are:
How do we learn from some of the shortcomings of social constructs like strict monogamy or traditional gender roles and carve new paths for ourselves and our partners?
How do we set and manage expectations of our partners versus expecting and needing them to be everything to us?
How do we keep love, sex and passion alive when we are all expected to simultaneously wear the hats of mommy/daddy, breadwinners, best friends, roommates, etc?
How do we thrive in an era where we are all constantly bombarded with images of other couples living happily ever after on their social media feeds without falling into a pattern of comparison and competition?
How do we talk about all this stuff with our eyes, minds and hearts wide open versus getting massively triggered by all of it?
This is what this column is all about. You can expect to hear from us every week tackling questions like these, but more importantly, YOUR questions. With a collective experience of 28 years of coaching singles and couples between the two of us, we are here to serve you. What is ailing you in the area of love and dating? What questions do you have about love or finding love in the modern world? Ask us. Let’s go.
