The Sex is OK…
Dear Maxwell’s,
I’ve been dating someone for over a year. They check so many of my boxes. We share so many of the same values, interests and also want the same things out of life. The sex however is just okay. How do I know if we just aren’t sexually compatible or is this something that can be improved upon over time? Also, how important is this in the long term?
Dear Reader,
This is a great question and something literally every couple deals with at some point. Not necessarily in the exact same way, but for every couple there is something that is out of alignment, at least at first. In your case, it seems to be a sexual disconnect, in other cases, it could be money, a communication issue, a desire to live somewhere else, or a bunch of potential in-laws that you can’t imagine yourself getting along with. In short, no relationship is perfect and without exception, there will always be some major things that need to be worked out and that at least from the jump, seem to be out of alignment. So that’s good news.
In your particular instance, you need to take a look at how big the chasm is between what “great” sex looks and feels like for you, and where things currently are now. If the chasm is as small as say, the distance between Ajax and Highlands, or even Ajax and Snowmass, don’t fret. But if the chasm is as large as the distance between Aspen and Vail…then you have a bigger problem. First off, because…Vail? Ew. And secondly, because, unless you both veer towards the asexual side of the spectrum, sex is one of the most important parts of a long term intimacy, especially a monogamous one. Let’s explore this a bit deeper…
Only you know how important sex is to you in the grand scheme of your life. If you are a highly sexual person, i.e., desiring sex 3-7 times per week or more, and your partner is a 2-4 x’s a month type of person, that feels like an Aspen to Vail chasm. Additionally, if you are for example, more kink or BDSM oriented, and your partner is really turned off by that, or it’s a major stretch for them, that’s also an Aspen to Vail kind of chasm. On the other hand, if you are both oriented towards the same kind of sexual desires, but there is just a disconnect in terms of the “how” it’s all going down, that is for sure something that can be worked on through loving and honest communication and patience. The point we are trying to make is that some things can be worked on, and some things can’t be. A kink/vanilla partnership is going to have a much harder time fulfilling each other than a couple who is into similar things sexually, but just having trouble getting on the same page. And like we mentioned above, unless you both trend towards more of an asexual orientation, a major disconnect sexually spells disaster in the long term.
The best way to figure out if this is something that can be worked on or not is to get super honest, first with yourself and then with your partner. Let them know first and foremost, how in alignment you are about all the things that you mentioned, and how much you want this to work. Explain to them that this sexual disconnect isn’t their fault, but something that you need to be honest about and want to change…together. Then ask them how they feel about the sexual relationship? Do they also feel the same as you, or are they in their own world thinking things are great. Lastly, figure out what great sex would look like and feel like for you. What would take this from where things are to where you want it to be? Is it a more emotional connection? Certain techniques that need to be implemented? A different kind of “vibe” or “energy?” The more specific you can get, the better. If your partner is receptive and game to take on those changes, then this is most likely something that can be improved upon over time with consistent communication and commitment. If your partner is overwhelmed, turned off, or freaked out by your desires and fantasies, then that might point to a greater disconnect that can’t be fixed over time. Sometimes people just aren’t into, or open to becoming into the same things that you’re into and if those things are integral to your turn on or sexual satisfaction, that becomes like Sisyphus rolling a boulder up Vail mountain.
A few things to think about here: The more you trend towards a kink or a fetish in your sexual blueprint, the more important it will be that your partner is either into those same things, or game to get into that world with you. Otherwise at some point, you will need to scratch that itch elsewhere, and if your partner isn’t okay with outsourcing that need to somebody else, that spells infidelity down the line.
Additionally, a good way to help pinpoint where you are on the sexual spectrum is to dive into your go-to sexual fantasies and share them with your partner. This is not for the purpose of acting those fantasies out in real life, unless that’s something that you are both into, in which case, great. But it’s an avenue of exploration and a window into your erotic mind for your partner to get to look into. This is a great way to gauge how compatible you both are for each other sexually. It doesn’t mean that you will have the same fantasies, but if your partner greets you fantasies with enthusiasm, curiosity and acceptance versus fear, disgust or rejection, chances are you are both more compatible than you might think.
