Keeping it Sexy after Kids
Dear Maxwell’s, any tips for keeping things hot and heavy after having kids? So many of our friends seem to have lost that spark after having kids. How do we make sure that doesn’t happen to us?
As parents of a 3 year old and 4 month old, we know the feeling of overwhelm and straight up exhaustion that becoming new parents brings with it. We also know that becoming parents together as a couple both, and simultaneously, brings you closer together as well as is a true crucible for any marriage. It brings you closer together because the love you feel for your children is a greater love than either of you you have ever experienced before, and that love was born out of your union. It’s a crucible because the physical, emotional and spiritual energy that is required of you to care for your young children is also unlike anything you have ever experienced and the nature of it is that it pulls you away from your intimacy. It’s the great paradox of parenting actually. You are no longer just husband and wife anymore. You are parents. And the nature of being parents is that your sexual intimacy, let alone even just time spent alone just the two of you can become the first thing that goes out the window.
So how do we navigate this without becoming relegated to the “sexless marriage” category that so many relationships unfortunately end up in? Our children grow up inside of the ecosystem of our relationship and therefore can only be as happy as our relationship is. A sexless relationship is rarely a happy one so we relate to this area with the utmost importance. To answer this question we need to separate parents into two categories. Pregnancy through having children under the age of 1, and parents with children over the age of 1. We will discuss pregnancy through having kids under the age of 1 in today’s column and then check back next week for discussion of this topic for parents with kids over the age of 1.
For parents who are pregnant or with new babies under the age of 1, you need to understand that you are in a very short, (though it can seem like it goes on forever) phase of your life and intimate relationship where sex naturally takes a back seat to the other necessities of your life. Currently, our 2nd child is 4 months old, and still not sleeping much, so we are right smack in the middle of this phase ourselves and regularly remind ourselves that “this is a phase!” Sometimes we have a twinkle in our eye about it like “we got this,” and other times, whoever is the least exhausted of the two of us, reminds the other that “hey…this is just a phase.” For all parents of babies out there…we know it’s not an easy phase. It’s also not always a fun phase. It’s a truly exhausting, but also beautiful, and at time’s makes-you-wanna-lose-your-mind, cry- from-joy-or-despair, sometimes-both-in-the-same-day, or-same-hour…phase!
Now, that doesn’t mean that sex can’t happen in this phase. It just means that you must manage your expectations about it. This is not a phase of your relationship where you will be having long stretches of time just the two of you to be intimate. Nor is it a phase where either of you will necessarily have much of a sexual appetite. Especially pregnant women or breastfeeding mothers! So we like to relate to this phase as a “get it when and where you can” phase. If that means that it’s during a 5 minute window where the kid is napping and you are both not too exhausted to have a quickie, then great. If that means saving a tiny bit of gas in the tank at the end of the day just to have 5 mins of intimacy, that’s okay too. But manage your expectations about this phase. And make sure that if you can get it, that you do. Prioritize it in that way. Be a “yes” to getting it when you can. Know that during this phase, a “no” is always on the table, but for the sake of your relationship, err towards a yes whenever you can. Care about being a yes, even if it feels like it's utilitarian or not a sexy period of your life. Your future relationship will thank you. We joke with each other that our sex life is stuck in a 15 month traffic jam because that’s about how long it takes from the beginning of pregnancy to a new baby starting to sleep through the night and life starting to have some sense of normalcy. You can still have fun in a traffic jam. But you can’t drive fast and you can’t get to where you want to go until the traffic is cleared. That’s this phase. Do your best to have fun in the traffic jam and both strive to initiate and be a yes in the rare offset moments that become available to you during this phase and you will move through this just fine and in moments, beautifully.
For parents of children over the age of 1, things get a little easier in terms of starting to build your sexual relationship again. Don’t get us wrong, things are just as crazy and chaotic as ever with kids of any age, but the phase of pregnancy or being deep in the weeds of managing life and sleep deprivation with a little baby are for the most part, over. Additionally, most mothers have recovered from the physical trauma of childbirth and sex is something that is, at least possible in the physical sense of it all. This stage is particularly tricky because now, the excuse of just how crazy life can feel with kids of any age can be all pervasive. Too tired for sex. Not emotionally connected to your partner to want sex. Feeling like all you are is a Mommy or a Daddy and that’s not a sexy feeling. Feeling like you have no time for yourself let alone your partner. The excuses can go on and on and feel incredibly real because on some level, all of them are real. But they are also a cancer to your relationship because your sexual intimacy is the foundation of your relationship. And your children can only be as happy as your marriage is. And a marriage without sex is rarely a happy marriage. So tune in next week for how to navigate these very real challenges that virtually all parents face, and how to successfully come out the other side of them as hot and heavy as ever.
