The Mundane vs. The Passionate
Dear Maxwells: How do I juggle daily mundane tasks with having a “passionate” relationship? It seems like those two things aren’t able to co-exist together and right now, it feels like the day-to-day, must-do tasks of my life with my partner are taking over our ability to have any sort of passion.
Dear Reader, thank you for your question. The reality of life is that we have to deal with a slew of responsibilities each day that supersede our feelings about them. Even menial things like brushing our teeth, filling our cars up with gas, doing the dishes etc., are all things that we must do whether we “feel” like we want to or not. Modern relationships are especially burdened with an ever growing list of “to-do’s” that can feel like a game of whack a mole, because as soon as one “to-do” is scratched off the list, another pops up. This is the reality that anybody who has been in a long term relationship has had to come face to face with at some point, especially those who live with their partners and/or have kids or share any other responsibilities together. What you have labeled “mundane” tasks, when left to their own devices, can be silent killers of passion and the erotic spark that most likely helped draw you together in the first place. Here are some tips to help anybody reading who has or is struggling with this issue.
1. Get conscious of the different “energies” that different parts of your relationship have and separate those energies as best as you can. For example, putting together a grocery list with your partner has a very different kind of “energy” or “vibe” to it, than getting dressed up and going on a sexy date. Same with your energy at work versus your energy at home while you are winding down from your day. A relationship that is successful at not just maintaining passion, but growing it over time, is a relationship where both parties are conscious of the different types of energy that different aspects of their relationship require, and how to compartmentalize those energies.
2. Delineate what kind of energy is needed at certain times. When it’s time to deal with responsibilities like grocery shopping, bill paying, scheduling etc., focus your combined energy on the tasks at hand. This is not a space or time for “passion.” Same goes for when it’s time to connect and focus on your intimacy and nurture your passion for each other. Those moments are not the time to discuss tasks or your to-do lists. Remember, keep the energy separate. The problem we see most often with couples is that they allow their never ending “to-do" list of tasks to create a narrative that there is no time left for passion. A client of ours really believed that the only time to discuss their household logistics was during date night with his wife. And this simply isn’t the case. All modern relationships have a never ending list of “to-do’s.” So the solution is you must delineate the time. It has to be a mandate in your relationship. There is a time to accomplish tasks, and then there is a time for passion, connection, and intimacy. As a couple who also runs a coaching practice together, we have designated work meetings in our calendar, and designated couple time in our calendar (no work talk allowed!) Sometimes it is a hard rule to keep, but we keep it because we understand the negative impact of not keeping it.
3. Understand that the energy that creates passion, erotic desire and attraction is on a completely different train track than the energy that makes you and your partner good at “getting things done.” In fact, the energy that’s needed to “get things done” can often be the opposite of what creates passion. Passion and erotic desire are created and intensified when the polarity between the masculine and feminine energy that exists between you and your partner gets magnetized. Regardless of a person's gender, we all have both masculine and feminine energy within us. Each one of us is capable of orienting towards either one of these energies at any time. To create passion and attraction in an intimate relationship though, polarity between the masculine and feminine must exist or be created. This is just as important in same-sex relationships as it is in opposite-sex relationships. While each person has the ability to connect to his or her masculine or feminine energy, each person also has a natural tendency towards one or the other and this is the path of least resistance to creating passion in your relationship. Set aside time to lean into and magnify the natural polarity that exists between the two of you. Remember: novelty, risk, adventure, mystery and distance are all erotic accelerators and help to magnify this polarity.
For example, even just getting dressed up and going to a new restaurant or picnic spot can magnify polarity as you are infusing your date with novelty, adventure and distance.
Lastly, get rid of the idea that a task has to be “mundane” at all. Life in a lot of ways is a series of “tasks.” If you label many of these tasks as “mundane” you might miss out on your life. Eastern mysticism and Tantric traditions have known and practiced for thousands of years that you can turn anything into a spiritual practice. Like William Blake said “To see a World in a Grain of Sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand And Eternity in an hour.”
