The Alchemy of Distance
Dear Maxwells: Can long distance relationships work?
Dear Reader: Of course long distance relationships can work! In fact, our relationship began as a long distance relationship, and we’ve been together for over 15 years. We also know and have worked with a large number of couples that have successfully navigated long distance who are still thriving today. There are a few caveats though, which need to be understood in order for distance to be of service to the health and longevity of a relationship versus a hindrance, as well as some benefits to periods of distance as well. Let’s unpack some of them shall we?
The first and most important factor in making a long distance relationship work is understanding that the period of time where you live apart needs to have an end date. This might seem obvious but this is really the first lynchpin in making a long distance relationship work. The distance can’t go on indefinitely. Even if the distance is maintained for a long period of time, like a period of years even, so long as both members of the relationship are working to come together in the future, and are both committed doing so, then the distance doesn’t have to be a major issue. Another way to think about this is that the period of long distance should be a chapter, or a few chapters of your overall lovestory, versus, a constant throughout your love story. If there cannot be a definite end to the distance, the best way to continue to stay in relationship over long periods of time with an indefinite amount of distance would be to open up the relationship and allow each other the freedom to relate with others, while still maintaining a connection with each other.
The next thing to keep in mind for a long distance relationship to work, is that all of the fundamental aspects that are required for any relationship to work need to be strongly in place. Clear, honest communication and transparency. Trust. A commitment to growth and understanding one another. A great and healthy sexual relationship, despite the distance. Shared values and goals surrounding the future. A willingness to apologize and get the other person’s perspective and point of view. These are just some, but not all, of the important foundations of any successful relationship and a long distance relationship is no exception to this rule. In fact, this stuff has to be even more solid in a long distance relationship in order to successfully handle the strain of distance. The benefit of distance though is that it forces couples to deal with building a solid foundation because they aren’t distracted by being in each other's physical presence all the time. It’s easy to get distracted and caught in the same patterns over and over again when we are constantly available to each other. Long distance can serve couples, as it did us when we first started dating, by mandating that people really get to know each other in these fundamental ways.
In fact, distance, if used effectively, can be beneficial in helping couples develop a deeper level of connection and romance in a quicker amount of time than they otherwise would. This can be the case for couples who are at the start of their journey together, or even help couples who have been together for decades rekindle a level of romance and connection that may have waned over time in close proximity to each other. We have written many times in this column about the power of erotic accelerators such as mystery, novelty, adventure, risk and distance. Each of these themes carries a tremendous amount of potency and alchemy within it to create romance, erotic desire and passion. Think of the rose scented, handwritten love letters of couples separated by war and the mystery of what awaited them during their seemingly endless wait for the arrival of the next letter from their beloved. Think of the allure and romance that was far more available to couples before the immediacy of modern technology. Even the potential of a 4 plus hour long phone call diving deep into the bottomless well of another while separated by distance in some fashion. This is still all available to us all in some form. Flirty, sexy or romantic text messages and facetimes can be the new handwritten love letters of old. The power of missing your partner, of longing and yearning for them can’t be understated. It’s the proximity to and familiarity with each other that can start to eat away at the romance and passion that we all crave in our modern love stories but that we have grown out of touch with. Long distance relationships are perfect for leaning into the alchemy of distance, the seductiveness of mystery and the potency of novelty in those precious moments when you finally reunite with your partner. Distance, if used and understood properly, can have the power to bring new couples together in deeper ways than proximity, and the power to remind seasoned relationships of the romance that brought them together in the first place.
Now, if you're in a relationship, ask yourself: How can you use distance to bring a deeper level of connection to your current relationship? Or how can you leverage the existing distance in your relationship to bring you closer, faster?
