The Love/Lust Disconnect
Dear Maxwells: Why is it that when I’m emotionally involved with a woman that I care about, I have a lot less sexual desire for her than I do if I’m with somebody casually, like a one night stand, or somebody that I know is more just a physical thing? It’s almost like the more my emotions increase for a woman, the less turned I can get with them and the more I desire to be physically intimate with other people that I’m not emotionally involved with. Can I do anything about this?
Dear Reader: Thank you for your question. What you are describing is actually quite common, and increasingly more so in today’s day and age. In fact, it’s one of the most common issues around sexual intimacy that we have seen come up for clients in our coaching practice. This phenomenon is generally referred to as the “love/lust disconnect” or “love/lust split.” For a while, it was common to see it in men who were raised by abusive fathers where the father would be abusive towards the mother and the child would take on the role of being the mother’s protector. That same child, in his adult life, would end up conflating love with a desire and need to protect, and thus would have a hard time expressing himself sexually with somebody who he loved out of fear of hurting them. In other words, unconsciously, sex was seen as an act antithetical to protection and so sex was disconnected from love for this particular type of man who suffered this particular type of childhood trauma.
However, we are seeing a love/lust disconnect in many more kinds of men than in just men with this particular kind of upbringing. Even men with picture perfect childhoods, raised inside of homes with parents who loved each other are experiencing the love/lust disconnect in their own relationships, and with astonishing frequency. The question then becomes, why? Why is this issue now so ubiquitous in today’s day and age?
Well, we think pornography has a lot to do with it. And when we say a lot, we really mean a lot. Are there other culprits? Of course, but in our opinion, porn is by far the biggest one. 30 years ago, before the internet, you had to be at least 18 years old to get into a porn shop, and if you somehow got your hands on a VHS tape before you were 18, you had to play that tape in a VCR, which generally, were found in living rooms and family spaces, not in the privacy of your own room. Porn magazines, graphic as they were, still left much to the imagination. Now, all somebody needs is their phone to have free, unlimited access to the most graphic pornography on the interwebs and in an unlimited supply.
Our relationship to our sexuality, like most things in life, is greatly influenced by our habits around it and can change and evolve depending on what sexual habits we persist in. So if you think about most men under the age of 50 today, most of them grew up in their most formative years, watching pornography on a regular enough basis to solidify a relationship to sex, pleasure and their own bodies that was devoid of love, intimacy and connection. Not only was it devoid of these emotions but sex and being turned on became based primarily on visual stimuli in the form of total strangers that looked and acted a certain way and all in a fantasy world. Watching porn is literally practicing a love/lust disconnect! For many men all over the world, practicing this disconnect has become a daily practice. Can we be surprised then, that when it comes time to develop emotional feelings for a real person, the sexual impulse towards that person lags far behind?
So to our reader and anybody else reading who has had similar experiences or has had partners with similar experiences, first and foremost, stop watching pornography. Everytime you are watching pornography you are practicing and reinforcing the love/lust disconnect on both a somatic level and an emotional level. To be clear, we are not making a political or moral judgment about pornography. We are making a point about the consequences of regular porn use on intimate relationships. Secondly, practice something different and consistently. During physical intimacy, practice getting present to the sensations in your own body and your partners. Feel your breath and your partners. Get in the body versus stuck in your head or fantasy land. Lastly, talk honestly with your partner about this disconnect. Women too have their own version of the love/lust disconnect. Disassociating from their own bodies and their own pleasure to “perform” and fulfill the porn fantasies of the men who are disconnectedly loving them. Use this as an opportunity to bring healing to the whole cycle and to everybody involved by being vulnerable and communicating about it. This will force you both into the present moment during physical intimacy which is where true healing can begin to happen.
