Checks all the Boxes, but No Spark?
Dear Maxwells: I have been dating someone recently who “checks all the boxes,” as they say. On paper, this person is everything I have said that I’ve wanted for a long time. Kind, attractive, driven, financially stable, good sex, shared values and many aligned interests as well. The problem is that I don’t feel that “spark,” or that magical feeling of “wow” that I’ve felt for previous partners. On some level it feels like I’d be settling if I stayed with this person, but on another level I feel like it would be crazy to break up, given that the person has so much of what I’ve been looking for in a partner. I’m confused, and I don’t know what to do.
Dear Reader: Thank you so much for your question. Yes, that elusive “spark” that you speak of has lit the fire of so many romantic-comedy character arc’s and passionate, but subsequently failed relationships, that collectively, we’ve placed it at the top of our hierarchy of relationship needs. What’s so interesting about this is that this “spark” that you speak of, doesn’t even last that long, even in the best, deepest, most profound, lifelong love stories. So, why do we worship it so much?
Part of this is conditioning. Every loves tory, fairytale, rom-com or even Instagram post about love is usually about this special “je ne sais quoi,” or “magical feeling.” It’s a feeling that in its early stages can feel like you’ve known the person for your whole life, or the person occupies all of your thoughts and there are fireworks exploding all around when you’re together. These early stages of romantic love are not that different from the effects of a drug, and scientifically, these amorous feelings release a ton of hormones that can make you and your new partner feel like you are indeed on drugs. The intensity of these emotions, along with the cultural narratives about love that we have been fed since childhood are enough to seduce us into thinking that this elusive feeling is the most important thing to find in a partner. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, this feeling of romantic love only has so much gas in its tank — and inevitably it runs out.
If our intimate relationships stand a chance of going even a short distance, we must take romantic love off the pedestal that we’ve all put it on. To do that, we first need to understand where this “spark” comes from. For most of us, as hard as it might be to hear, it doesn’t come from yours and your partner's souls perfectly and magically uniting in human form, or, as a gift from the heavens, finally delivering your “one and only” right to your doorstep. The spark usually comes from a combination of your childhood traumas resonating with your partner's childhood traumas. This resonance, along with your subconscious belief systems about love, which are shaped by your parents, causes you to attract another person who mirrors all of it back to you.
Additionally, this “spark” is also usually created out of the slippery nature of desire itself. We’ve said this many times before in this column, but the nature of desire is that it always lives just beyond our reach. The early magic of romantic love is usually fueled by enough mystery and uncertainty where your new infatuation is in that sweet spot just beyond your fingertips. Far enough that you can’t fully grab onto it yet, but close enough that it lingers. Rarely have we heard stories of sparks flying around the super-available, predictable, open-book of a lover knocking at someone’s door.
It may sound dreary but in the vast majority of cases, this magical spark is more of a red flag to be aware of in the early stages of dating, than it is a sign that you should move powerfully in the direction of your new beloved. The best way to know for sure is to take a look at your track record. Who have you “sparked” with before and how did those relationships turn out? Were they kind and available, or emotionally unavailable? Honest communicators, or cheaters and liars? Stable or unstable people? In the case of our reader, the things that are on the “checklist” don’t seem to create that spark — so what does? Is it a real connection or is it more along the lines of what we described above: desire and old, unconscious patterns doing their firelight dance.
Does this mean that you shouldn’t be excited about your partner? Absolutely not! Of course your beloved should light you up, inspire you and bring joyful tears to your eyes at times. But not because of some elusive “feeling” that you either “feel” or you don’t. But because of something far deeper and more profound. Something you can articulate. Something that you can nurture and create more of. Something that gets better with time and age, versus something that has a very short half-life. These things are unique to each individual relationship and usually start to emerge as the relationship transitions from running off the fumes of romance, to drawing from the far more sustainable fuel source of deeper love and truth.
