Do’s and Dont’s of Dating
Dear Maxwells: I recently got out of a long-term relationship. We met in college and dated for six years. It was my first love. Now, single, I realize that I’ve never really “dated” before because we met freshman year. I’m nervous to start dating for the first time. Any tips?
Dear Reader: Thank you for your question. There are so many people who are in a similar situation as you. Newly single, just divorced or getting out of a long-term relationship, whether dating for the “first” time, or the first time in a long time, we felt like a “dos” and “don’ts” of dating list might be of service to all those who are intimidated by the ever-changing landscape of the dating world.
Don’t: Take it personally: Especially at first … don’t take this too seriously. The modern dating landscape is rampant with false starts, ghosting, unread messages and way, way, way too many options (at least on the surface). Dating apps have made it so people can be carrying out multiple conversations with multiple people at the same time, all with the knowledge that there are an unlimited number of potential matches waiting in the wings. It is far too easy to get bored with a conversation and move onto the next without as much as a second thought. None of this is personal. It’s all both truthfully, and metaphorically, an algorithmic mess.
Do: Have fun. If you don’t take it too personally, dating can most certainly be fun. You are making connections with new people. Going (hopefully) to interesting places and doing interesting things. Yes, it’s vulnerable and yes, you have to deal with potential rejection or potentially rejecting someone else, but the thrill of the chase, the mystery of the unknown, the sexual chemistry and desire of early rendezvous and connections is the beauty of it all. Do your best to lean into the adventure of it and have fun.
Don’t: Play hard to get. We’ve written a whole article about this one before, but in short, don’t “play” anything. Especially hard to get. It only leads to problems down the line and re-enforces your own belief that in order for you to attract somebody, you have to be anything other than yourself.
Do: Be hard to get. Being hard to get and playing hard to get are entirely different things. Being hard to get means that you have standards and self worth. It means that you are up to something in your life and busy focusing on whatever that thing or those things are. It means your time is limited because you’re busy and you value how you spend your time. It means that you don’t settle for less than you deserve. If you practice living this way, then you are by nature, hard to get.
Don’t: Put attention-seeking content out on social media. All too often (like everyday) we see people putting content on social media that is obviously designed to garner attention, and gain validation and approval in some way shape or form. These are especially obvious when people partner their post with themes of “embrace your sexuality like me” (cue the almost nude photo) or “work hard, and stay motivated and you can have what I have” (cue the photo of showing off a status symbol). Why should you avoid these types of posts? Because they reek of desperation and a need for attention and external validation. They broadcast your insecurity and neediness and if anybody who is interested in dating you sees them, (which they will) if they have some standards, you run a high risk of turning them off.
Do: Put your best foot forward. Put the best version of you out in the world. If you post content on social media, post what represents you in an authentic way without approval seeking. This will make you feel seen and celebrated for who you authentically are, not for a false version of yourself.
Don’t: Get involved too quickly. Don’t jump right into a relationship with somebody and start fantasizing about and planning your future with them just because you had a few great dates. Desperation (even well-intentioned desperation) leads to bad decisions, and early commitments result in blinders on and major problems down the line. Know your value and take your time to really get to know the other person. Don’t mistake early infatuation and chemistry for true emotional connection and depth. It usually takes time to really get to know somebody.
Do: Date multiple people until you are ready to commit to one person.
Stay in an abundant mentality and go on dates with multiple people until you feel strongly enough about somebody (and they for you) to take yourself off the market. This will help you not be desperate or move too quickly.
Don’t: Be too “picky.” Especially in the age of dating apps and instagram, it’s easy to be too picky, especially about the wrong things. The amount of time we’ve heard women say they’ll only date men over 6 feet or men say they’ll only date younger women can’t be understated. You’re potentially missing out on an entire population of people who could be a great match for you.
Do: Have (the right) standards. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have preferences about myriad things. But it’s important to have a proper hierarchy of what is truly important to you in a long-term partner versus a neverending checklist of preferences. What if you met a man who is amazing in so many key ways but he’s 5-foot-8? Or a woman who checks a ton of your most important boxes and shared values but is five years older than you? Know the values that matter most to you and don’t settle for less than them.
