Can I ask my partner to change?

Dear Maxwells: What is the best way to go about asking my partner to change something about themselves that consistently bothers me in our relationship? I hear so many people say that you can’t ask a person to change. Is it fair to ask my partner to change themselves? 

Dear Reader: Thank you for your question! We hear it all the time as well, don’t we? “I am who I am” or “don’t try to change me” or “if you don’t like me as I am, then maybe you should be with somebody else!” 

It’s unfortunate that this narrative has become so normal in our culture.  This idea that if you love somebody, you shouldn’t also want them to become a better versions of themselves. Change is life! Everything that you can see, smell, taste and touch is constantly changing and evolving and yet so many humans can relate to needing to change something about themself as negative.  

First off, let us say, unequivocally, it is perfectly OK to ask your partner to change something about themselves. In fact, we highly recommend it if you want to have a long-lasting relationship that grows better over time. Additionally, it’s entirely possible for somebody to change parts of themselves for the better and in our coaching practice, we see people successfully do so all the time.  

Now, the “how” that you go about asking your partner to change is where things get tricky. Let’s unpack a few key things to think about: 

First and foremost, what are you asking your partner to change about themself? It’s important to be able to distinguish between a core aspect of what makes somebody “who they are” and a personality trait, habit, or behavior that you don’t like and want them to change. 

A perfect example of this is in our own marriage. I, Zach, am a musician. I have been playing piano since I was 3 years old and playing music, writing songs, being creative is one of the most important parts of my life and that will never change. This is an example of a core aspect of who I am. If Sally were to ask me to change that about myself or to stop prioritizing music in my life, that would be unfair and unreasonable. In fact, the fact that she has always been supportive of this passion is one of the (many) reasons I married her. 

Other examples would be things like asking somebody to not want to have kids, or not be an entrepreneur or athlete etc. These are not personality traits as much as they are parts of somebody’s core, connected to a person's life purpose, soul, or whatever other label you want to put on it. They are also likely part of what made you fall in love with them in the first place. These core aspects are things that would be unfair to ask somebody you love to change about themselves.  (As a side note to our readers, if you are dating somebody or have dated somebody who has asked you to change a core part of yourself that you hold dear to your heart and soul, consider that a major red flag.) 

On the other hand, personality traits, bad habits and behaviors are different from core aspects that make up who somebody is, and if there is something that you feel is negatively impacting your relationship or your partner, broaching the subject with them is necessary. Things like being quick to anger, defensiveness, being forgetful, bad with finances, withholding sex, using substances too much are absolutely something you can and should address with your partner. 

The best way to address this is to follow this seven-step process: 

1)  Ask them permission to have the conversation and let them know there is something important you want to address with them and set aside some time to do so.  

2) Start the conversation by saying what you are scared of. Whatever emotions you are feeling about the conversation, anxiety, fear, anger etc., start by sharing them.  

3) Next, own your part in the dynamic. When we’re dealing with a tricky situation, there is a part in all of us that wants to point our finger at the other person. Even the most evolved humans on the planet still struggle with this. 

4) Next, state what you want out of the conversation. Now that you’ve owned your part in the dynamic, this is your opportunity to communicate how you would like to see this conflict resolved.  

5) Next step, ask your partner what their experience is.   

6) Listen to them, and repeat back to them what they are saying so they know you get their experience as well.  

7) Lastly, design a solution together. What would it look like for you both to help solve this issue? This negotiation may be tough. You each may feel entrenched in your own ideals. But this is the time to compromise together, in the name of creating a unified solution for the benefit of your intimacy.  

Lastly, be patient. Know that even after you design a solution together, change can take time. Your partner will continue to do the things that bother you because nothing goes in a straight line. Your job here is to be loving and compassionate and forgiving in the process, while also maintaining the thread of the future goal.