Why 80% of Relationships Fail
Dear Maxwells, I recently saw a video on youtube and the thumbnail was “why 80% of relationships fail.” This feels like a really high number to me. Is it true that 80% of relationships fail? The divorce rate in America is currently at 41% so how is it that 80% of relationships are considered “failures?” Also, why do you think these numbers are so high today?
Dear reader, thank you for your question. There are a lot of different statistics regarding this topic, but ultimately, we think the most important takeaway from all of them is that regardless of what the exact numbers are, clearly, the numbers are way too high. Also, the definition of “failure” in this arena can be nebulous as well. Divorce isn’t the only metric for a failed relationship. For the sake of this article, let's define failure more so as a measurement of dissatisfaction and unhappiness in intimate relationships, whether people choose to stay in them or separate. And yes, unfortunately, that number is extremely high.
Entire books can be written on this subject but in today’s article we will offer a few, high level key themes to think about. These themes have been ubiquitous in our work with couples over the years and are key factors in why these numbers around failed relationships seem to keep climbing higher everyday.
The first reason that relationships fail is because people don’t understand how to tell the truth to their partners. Virtually every couple we have ever worked with comes with a list of things that they relate to as “off limits” to discuss with their partners. A couple's ability to speak openly and honestly about everything, and we mean everything, is a mandate for a long term, thriving relationship. Nothing should be off limits here. Additionally, another thing that we frequently see is that couples co-create a dynamic where one or both members of the relationship make it unsafe to tell the truth to their partner. “My partner is too scary or reactive to tell them xyz” is a complaint that we hear regularly. The degree to which you can’t tell the truth about something represents the cap or ceiling to how deep the relationship can go. A lack of transparency in relationships is like cancer for that relationship and compounds over time. In order to change this dynamic, both members of a relationship must learn not only how to speak their truth, but also learn how to receive their partner's truth as well. This is one of the most common things that we help our clients learn to do.
The second reason that relationships fail is because as we have evolved as a society, we have also, simultaneously developed more and more unrealistic expectations about love. We have all been brainwashed to believe that love is enough to sustain a life long partnership and the truth is that it simply isn’t. The reality is that romantic love fades very quickly and couples need to understand how to deepen love, trust and intimacy over time versus relying on their initial feelings of love and attraction to carry them through their entire lives. Additionally, failing social constructs like monogamy go unexamined by most. By our estimates, only about 15-20% of people are naturally oriented towards an 100% monogamous relationship and yet 95% of couples attempt to practice it. Then, these same couples end up wondering why they or their partners end up cheating. Sadly, instead of examining the root causes of this, people will instead chalk up the issue to “picking the wrong person” and go and repeat the same patterns over and over again.
The third reason that most relationships fail is because couples relate to sex as optional. We have said this many times in this column over the years, but it never ceases to amaze us how normal it has become for couples to expect faithfulness and fidelity from their partners and yet regularly say no to having sex with them. Many of these same couples simultaneously scoff at the idea that if they are saying no to sex, that their partners should be able to get their sexual needs met elsewhere.
The fourth reason why relationships are failing at such a high percentage is because political correctness and egalitarianism have weaseled their ways into our intimate relationships. While we all, hopefully, can agree that we all deserve equal rights no matter our gender, race, creed, or orientation, intimate relationships suffer when we try to make things “equal.” Intimate relationships need polarity in order to prosper. Polarity is created when there is both a masculine and a feminine pole. In about 90% of relationships, whether it's between a man and a woman or a same sex couple, there is somebody who is more naturally oriented towards their masculine energy and somebody who is more naturally oriented towards their feminine energy. The masculine has gifts and strengths that the feminine does not have, and vice versa. When couples try to make everything “equal,” they are subverting each other's natural strengths and weaknesses and undermining the foundation of not only their attraction to each other, but also what makes a great team. Great teams rely on the unique strengths of each team member to create something that is greater than the sum of its parts. Great teams never have team members that are all equally good at the same thing. Intimate relationships are no exception to this.
