The Truth About Open Relationships
Dear Maxwells: My partner is saying he wants an open relationship. I’m skeptical because everybody tells me that open relationships simply don’t work. I don’t want to agree to something that could ultimately destroy what we have. It feels like playing with fire. What do you suggest I do?
Dear reader, thank you for your question. This is definitely a hot topic these days, and not so ironically, we’ve had a number of clients recently bring up this exact question as well. To begin to answer your question we would like to start by offering you an unpopular opinion: All relationships are open relationships. Yes, you read that correctly, all relationships are open relationships. The difference is that only some are permissibly open while most are impermissibly open while masquerading as closed. The truth is that there is nothing that is 100% preventing you or your partner (or anybody else's partner for that matter) from walking out the door and sleeping with somebody else. As we’ve mentioned many times before in this column, with a close to 50% rate of divorce and (by a study conducted by the BBC in 2019,) a estimated 75% rate of infidelity for all modern relationships, this idea that mutually agreed upon monogamy or even true love will somehow keep a relationship “closed” is fundamentally flawed. In reality, most people cheat and half of marriages fail.
When we say that all relationships are open relationships, what we really mean is that the proverbial door is never locked, even if you think it is. But don’t fret about this, because we believe that this can actually be a powerful tool for your relationship because most people rest on the laurels of their agreements, and not on the strength of their relationship itself. The reality is that what protects you or your partner from either of you walking through that door is not the agreement itself not to, but the degree to which each person's needs and desires are being met and how honest and transparent you both are with each other about what those needs and desires are in the first place.
Resting on the laurels of the assumption that your monogamous agreements are sufficient in keeping that door closed is almost a surefire way to create an environment for you or your partner to want to walk through that door at some point. But relating to the door as always open, is a surefire way to light a fire under your butt to make sure that your relationship is great and that you are both satisfied within it. It's a surefire way to make sure that you are having all the right conversations and living honestly, openly and transparently and never resting on your laurels. This is, not so ironically, the mentality most people have when they start dating before they become exclusive. They know that their partner is not yet “theirs” and so they do whatever they can to be the best version of themselves and show up with their A game. Then, as time goes on, people take their partners for granted and let things slide and think that because they agreed to be monogamous that it doesn’t matter.
Now that we’ve enumerated this idea of all relationships as being open, we obviously need to distinguish between permissibly open relationships such as the type our readers question alludes to, and impermissibly open relationships, aka, infidelity.
In the case of our readers' question, the first piece of clarity that is needed is the reasoning behind his desire to permissibly open the relationship. There are two main reasons why people want permissibly open relationships. The first is because somebody is unhappy with something about their current relationship. A lot of times we’ll see couples pushing for open relationships when they are having problems in their physical or emotional intimacy. They believe that since things are broken at home, that if they stray elsewhere, it might help them fix what is going on at home, or at least scratch whatever itch they feel needs to be scratched that isn’t getting scratched at home. This is generally a recipe for disaster. A house with a shaky foundation isn’t safe to live in.
The 2nd reason why people want open relationships is because they may have a higher need for novelty, risk and adventure than a naturally monogamous person. Their relationship is great, they love their partner but they need the freedom and autonomy to relate with others as well. Their communication with their partner is above board, honest and transparent and they are easily able to communicate about what their needs are, and design boundaries and protocols for relating with others outside the relationship that work for everybody. In this case, permissibly open relationships can be wonderfully successful and even deepen the level of love, trust and connection that a person has in their current relationship. So for our reader who asked the question, figuring out which of these two reasons your partner wants a permissibly open relationship is paramount. If it’s because he’s unhappy, then yes, you are correct, that spells trouble. If you two are in a great place, and he just needs some more freedom and autonomy, that can be a great opportunity for you two to deepen the trust and love that you already have for one another, and who knows, maybe even enjoy some of your own freedom outside the relationship as well.
