The Power of Appreciation

Let's talk about the power of Appreciation. One of the most common themes that has reared its ugly head with couples who seek out our help is this theme of pervasive negativity running through their relationship. Like a crack in the foundation of a house, it is unfortunately all too common for couples to get into the dangerous habit of focusing mostly on what is negative about their partners. What annoys them about their partner, what they wish was different about their partner, what is unattractive about their partner or how so and so’s husband or wife doesn’t do the bothersome things that their partner does. This form of negativity lives not only in the privacy of each individual’s thoughts about their partner, but also starts to find its way into how couples speak and act towards one another; reaching for criticism and aggression over praise and appreciation, objection and judgment over patience and giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

In past weeks, we have referenced the idea of the “romantic love spike” in this column. Saturated in oxytocin and other powerful love hormones from the enormous amount of sex that is common in early phase relationships, couples generally see each other through the rose colored glasses of early romantic love. What couples don’t realize is that while these rose colored glasses feel natural and effortless during this phase, they are in fact a result of a way of thinking about the other person that is the root cause of the symptoms of romantic love itself. Meaning, their internal point of focus, the way they think to themselves about their partner is focused on what is positive, loving, and admirable about their partner versus what is negative. What’s fascinating about this is that after the romantic love spike is over, generally after about 6-12 months of dating, couples actively take these rose colored glasses off in the form of subtly starting to shift their internal focus to the negative.

To most couples, this doesn’t feel like a conscious shift. Couples will talk about the beginning of their relationship as if it magically "happened" to them and indeed this is how it feels. The momentum of early romantic love feels all encompassing and the inspiration to be and act loving is so natural, it can be hard for people to remember that yes, they actually took loving actions and thought loving thoughts and that those actions and thoughts created more loving emotions. It can be a hard pill to swallow for couples to realize that over time, as familiarity sets in and they continue to get to know each other and discover each other's imperfections, that they stopped taking those loving actions and stopped thinking those loving thoughts and subsequently stopped feeling those loving emotions. The point that we are making is that these loving feelings and thoughts are actually sourced from within, not from without. How you think about your partner co-creates how you feel about them and even how they show up in your world.

This is the law of confirmation bias. Where you put your attention only magnifies. Put it on what is positive about your partner and you are magnifying that. Put it on what is negative about them, and you are magnifying that. It’s actually your choice. This is where the power of Appreciation comes in. First and foremost within your own thoughts. Are you thinking loving thoughts about your partner? Are you appreciating them in your own mind? Are you choosing to focus on what is great about them or what sucks about them? You and only you are in charge of this. We like to think that our partner has to stop doing whatever it is that we don’t like about them in order to think positively about them, but what if it’s actually the reverse that’s true? What about if we started to think positively about our partner first, then, and only then, would they stop doing whatever it is that we don’t like about them? What if our thoughts about our partner really are that powerful? The truth is that they are.

We must overhaul how we think about our intimate partners and treat negative thoughts about them like vermin in our homes. Exterminate it. Stop engaging with it. Get off the incessant hamster wheel of internal complaints, criticisms, and judgments about the person who you are choosing to be with and replace those thoughts with love, admiration and appreciation. Then, extend this to your words and actions towards them. Don’t underestimate the power of verbal appreciation, even for the smallest things. We are so quick to point out our partner’s missteps, mistakes and misgivings and yet so stingy with verbal appreciation. Even the smallest things can be appreciated. “Thank you for taking out the garbage, I really appreciate it.” “Thank you for picking the kids up from school, you’re such an amazing Mom.” “Thank you for doing the dishes tonight.” “Thank you for going to work and earning money today. We are so grateful for all you do to support our family.” It’s so sad how much these everyday things go unnoticed and unappreciated in relationships. Imagine what would be possible in love if they instead, were magnified through our thoughts and our words towards each other.