Staying Connected, While Busy
Dear Maxwells: My partner and I can't find the time to be together. I work irregular hours, and there never seems to be a good time to connect and talk about life, or even bring up issues that we want to work on together. How do we connect better and more frequently?
Dear Reader: What a great question, which we’re sure many people in this valley can relate to given how many work in the hospitality industry or work here seasonally.
In an ever more bustling world where technology has made our lives simultaneously more efficient, but ironically busier, many couples are finding themselves struggling to connect and communicate. Irregular shifts, late nights, social media and unpredictable hours often lead to feelings of frustration and distance between partners. Nearly every client of ours has brought up this struggle in some way, shape or form. And with some of the tools we will discuss in this article, we have helped them successfully navigate the challenges of their busy schedules, resulting in deeper connection, love and intimacy.
The first step in connecting better and more frequently is to focus on quality over quantity. We grossly underestimate how much we are not actually present, in the here and now, with our loved ones even though we may be spending physical time with them. This is just as true for couples who have ample time together as it is for those with limited time. There is a direct correlation between technological increases in our culture and decreases in our ability to be present with each other, heck, even with ourselves. At any moment during a 24-hour period, we can be checking Instagram, email, the markets, responding to text messages, phone calls, news alerts, snaps, TikTok, YouTube, the list goes on and on!
If we let them, as so many of us unfortunately do, these things can and will rob us of our ability to be deeply connected with each other, no matter how much time we spend together. So we must ask ourselves: Wow present, truly and deeply present, are we when we are with our partner? Is our phone on “do not disturb?” Is our mind tuned into them or is it elsewhere, thinking or worrying about other things? If we want more connection but suffer from lack of time, we must prioritize presence first and foremost when we are together. Fifteen minutes of deeply present time is far more effective at fostering connection than two hours of semi-present time.
Next, utilize planning things in advance. Couples with mismatched schedules and/or hectic lives need to trade spontaneity for advanced planning, otherwise it just won’t happen, or at least not enough to foster consistent connection. So, furthering this notion of prioritizing presence in a quality over quantity manner, start to structure small pockets of time into your schedules ahead of time. Literally sit down with your partner and look at both of your schedules and plan these moments in advance. Even brief moments of present connection can have a powerful impact on the overall well-being of a relationship. Maybe it is just 10 minutes of present, connected time first thing in the morning, or 20 minutes before bed a few days a week.
A couple who we coach blocks out 12-12:15 p.m. each day for a midday phone connection while the husband works a demanding financial job and the wife manages the family and household's needs daily. This became their sacred time for open communication, bonding and revitalizing their relationship. Without that preplanned connection, their connection simply wouldn't happen. Creating rituals and routines like this can also be immensely beneficial in navigating irregular schedules. These can be as simple as having morning coffee together or sharing a bedtime routine. These rituals can become anchors of connection, providing a sense of stability and comfort between the two of you.
Next, get creative. Time together isn’t the only thing that creates connection. So does texting, sexting, leaving heartfelt notes or emails, or even planning surprise lunch dates (double check your partner's schedule ahead of time of course for this one). These small gestures can go a long way in fostering intimacy and reminding your partner that you are thinking of them.
Lastly, and we’ve spoken about this many times before, prioritize date nights. Even if it’s just one time a month, and even if you need to plan it weeks in advance, don’t underestimate the lingering power of a romantic evening together and how quickly it can leave you both feeling connected for days, even weeks later. Think of a long-distance relationship in this context. A couple in a long-distance relationship may only see each other once a month, but when they do it’s special and sacred. They use their longing for each other in between to their advantage as well, and rely on other forms of communication and romance to maintain their connection. The same principles can be applied to couples with mismatched schedules and busy lives.
Navigating your busy schedule is not about sacrificing precious moments, but rather optimizing the time that you have. By prioritizing presence, quality over quantity, advanced planning, rituals and creative gestures, as well as embracing longing versus fighting against it, you can fortify your relationship and find joy in every shared experience, no matter how brief.
