A Case for Waiting
Dear Maxwell’s, I am a single woman currently dating. I desire deep love, partnership, and to have a family one day. Do you have any advice on how long I should wait to sleep with somebody that I’m interested in or does it not matter, especially in our current day and age?
Dear Reader, thank you for your question. Instead of giving you an amount of time or set answer, we are going to answer this question by offering you a framework in which to think about this, and from that framework, you can make your own decision. A few caveats before we get into it: 1) If you are reading this and are single and not looking for something serious and just want to have fun and explore, then do whatever you want. However, if you are in a phase of your life like our reader where you are desiring something more serious with someone, then the following framework should be helpful to you. 2) Because the reader who asked the question is a woman, asking how long she should wait to sleep with a man, we will answer from that vantage point, political correctness notwithstanding. However, this framework should be helpful for all genders so apply to yourself where appropriate.
When people initially are drawn to each other, whether it’s swiping right on somebody’s profile, or seeing somebody from across a room, that initial spark, that chemistry is first and foremost, a physical, biological reaction. Yes there are other factors at play, (trauma bonds anyone?) but on an unconscious level, those feelings of attraction, intrigue, interest and desire are first and foremost generated by a biological momentum to propagate your genes and that particular person who strikes your fancy is resonating with your particular biology. Maybe your genes would be a good match to create children, maybe your pheromones compliment each other, but nonetheless, in the early phases of attraction and dating, you know nothing about the other, except for the fact that you are attracted to them. Now, nobody is sitting on a first date or flirting with somebody they just met and thinking about their “biological momentum” and how they want to propagate their genes. What they are experiencing is all the typical feelings of early attraction: chemistry, vibe, intrigue, turn on, excitement, flushed etc., but on a subconscious level, all of that is being driven by biological forces.
It’s super important to understand this because in the initial phase of dating, aka, the first couple of dates, the biological forces outweigh the emotional and spiritual forces that bond people together. That isn’t to say that the emotional and spiritual elements are not there, but because so little is known about the other on an emotional or spiritual level, those forces are vastly overpowered by the physical, biological forces that make people interested in each other.
Because of this, for a man (or more masculine oriented person) the main value that a woman has in the early stages of dating and attraction is a physical value, manifested and experienced as his sexual desire for her. That’s not to say that he’s not interested in getting to know a woman's mind or in developing an emotional connection with her, but until he gets to know her, his interest is motivated by his biology first and foremost and that means spreading his seed. As much as our current “woke” culture may pretend that this is not the case, for the vast majority of men, this is the way it is and has always been.
So if you are a woman and you sleep with a man on a first date or the first day that you meet him, in essence what you are unconsciously communicating to him is that the thing that he values most about you at this early stage of dating, aka sex with you, you in turn place such little value on, that you are willing to give it away without him having to have to prove to you that he is worthy of it. It's human nature to value things that are scarce and that we have to work hard to attain. Like any other area of life, we don’t value things that come easily or that just anybody can attain and it’s no different in dating. Unless an emotional and/or spiritual bond has been created that is as strong or stronger than the biological momentum to sow his seed, there is a great risk that that man will no longer value that thing about you that drew him to you in the first place and that he initially valued most.
Only once an emotional connection has been made that is as powerful or more powerful than his biology do you no longer risk this happening. Emotional connections can and do get made on a first date, but those cases are rare. So, now that you understand this framework, hopefully you can make whatever decision is best for you and your desired outcome.
Let us know, have you had any experiences where sleeping with somebody too early has negatively impacted your relationship? As always, we love getting your questions and comments. Send us an email and let us know.
